Jasmín, Llena de Gracia

I Blogged!

2011-11-02T21:41:00.000-05:00

But not here. :-) Check out my guest post over at Ankhesen's blog: http://www.ankhesen-mie.net/2011/11/unicorns-guest-post.html

If you're wondering why I don't blog, it's not because I don't have anything to say (well, right now I don't because I lost my voice, but that's another story). My best stories come from work, but I'm hesitant to put them in the blogosphere. I'm going to try to put up some relationship posts before the end of the month, provided that I feel better. I'm still lurking around the Internet in the meantime. :-)

Can You Ever Really "Not Mean It"?

2011-09-04T16:27:00.000-05:00

I always (jokingly) tease Z of attracting weird "friends", especially female ones. He's very much the type to always offer "a shoulder to lean on", and in the past some of his friends treated him as the right guy to hold down the Friend Zone/play pseudo-boyfriend when they were feeling lonely. Of course anyone who would use you like that isn't really a friend, but I digress.

I've mentioned this before, but when we first got together, I told him not to be surprised by some of these friends' words and actions going forward and once again ~~I was right~~ my suspicions proved correct. This time, a friend attempted to impress him by using an offensive word for gay people, Z and his best friend called her out on it, she got defensive, end scene. And did I mentioned this all happened on Facebook? (Gotta love the public smackdown.)

Besides the fact that trying to fit a slur for gay people into the word "professional" is a) stupid and b) makes no sense, I was a bit surprised that said friend tried to go with the "I didn't mean it" (no really, this fool said, "I was trying to mix the words 'antagonistic' and professional') excuse. Not because I don't expect people to get defensive when they get called out on stuff, but because it was obvious to anyone reading that she was trying to impress Z with her wit, and generally when you do something that the person you like doesn't agree with, you fall all over yourself apologizing to get back in their good graces.

Let the record show that saying "I didn't mean it" when you say something offensive makes you look both weak and foolish. Weak because you won't stand by what you said (so why did you say it?) and foolish because 9 times out of 10, the person speaking had enough metalinguistic knowledge to know the connotations of the word she's using. There's few things people can do to me that will get them cut off for the long-term, but unapologetically acting an ass definitely counts.

What say you, readers? Does it really matter if you meant it when you hurt someone's feelings? Have you ever had someone lash out at you when his/her attempt to impress you backfired? And does it make you feel weird when someone says something offensive when the implication is that you would laugh/appreciate what he said?

**On a lighter note, the first week of school is done, and no school tomorrow for Labor Day (yay!). One thing I love about my kids is that they are so excited about learning--last week I said, "We're going to work on phonics" and they all went, "Yes!". :-)

First Day of School

2011-08-29T20:04:00.000-05:00

Surprisingly, the classroom still looked somewhat like this at the end of the day! It's me versus 25 2nd graders, and on a scale of 1-10, I rated today a 5. I'm very excited though; I know my class is going to be awesome!

Funny story: I am a novelty at school because the kids don't understand how a person not of Spanish-speaking descent ended up teaching a bilingual class. Some of the parents were like to their kids, "Well, I guess they got rid of the bilingual class and you'll be learning a lot more English." Then I opened my mouth and the kids were like, "Whew!" They also loved my "artifact bag" activity--basically you put 4 things that are important to you in the bag and then share them with the class. I can't wait to see what they bring (or not...) :-)

Book Review at Socialite Dreams

2011-08-25T09:46:00.000-05:00

My review of "When I Get Where I'm Going" is being featured as part of Socialite Dreams' "Beauty AND Brains" series. If you are looking for a good end-of-summer read, check it out. :-)

Moderation...in Moderation?

2011-08-19T22:38:00.000-05:00

Even though my blog has been gathering cobwebs for a minute, I still frequent other people's blogs in my free time, and occasionally someone will link to something or make a comment that spurs me to click on another site. More often then not, I stumble upon blogs that interest me, but my biggest pet peeve (well, second to excessive typos) is a lack of moderation that makes the comments section a shitshow.

I'm probably overly critical, but I see no point in writing about "hot" or "controversial" topics, as most of the blogs that interest me do, and then letting your comments be a free-for-all, especially when commenters violate rules that you set in the post. I'm most skeptical of so called social justice/activism blogs, which bring out more kooks than some radically offensive websites--if you care that much about being a safe space/counteracting negative media/blah blah blah, shouldn't you start with your own space?

I don't think any of the blogs I'm referencing care about my opinion of their moderation policies (if you're reading this, I'm pretty certain you are not on that list), but I think this trend is a staple of basic etiquette that's been missing lately on the "new" blogs I've stumbled upon.

What are your thoughts? Am I asking too much, or is anyone else annoyed by good blogs with crappy commenting sections?

Whew!

2011-08-01T13:24:00.000-05:00

Today was the last day of summer school, and I am exhausted! It was a fun day, because we played review games, gave out awards, and gorged on salty, sugary snacks. (My co-teacher and I get more hyper than the kids when we eat junk--I blame the lack of sleep.) Some summer school highlights:

The student we nicknamed "Cookie Monster". He was such a funny, roly-poly of a kid who loved to talk (and write) about food (sometimes to the point of TMI, like his journal entry about how eating lots of tacos kept him in the bathroom all night). He earned the nickname after he wore a Cookie Monster t-shirt to school one day (side note: those are extremely popular in SoCal, for some odd reason), and he was voted "Best Dancer" on the last day of class. When he grows up, he wants to be a social worker, but sometimes he forgets the term and says he wants to be a "social studies". :-)
My students (rising 7th graders) were obsessed with finding out personal information about me and my co-teachers, especially our first names. On the last day, we played a trivia game where we showed them facts and they had to guess which one of us it referred to--I loved how my kids used sophisticated logic to figure out the answers, e.g., the fact was "I wanted to become an interpreter in high school" and they were all, "Well you speak Spanish, and you told us once that you want to become a Spanish professor, so it must be you!" Where was that rationality when I was teaching them about arguments in non-fiction texts?
Student interactions were always pretty interesting. We had one kid that tried to bully some of the other kids, and he failed miserably. Even the quietest kids in class would stand up to him if he tried to be tough, and I think he learned, at least a little bit, that trying to make people afraid of him was a losing game. It didn't help that none of our kids have hit puberty yet, so they're all still under 5 feet with teeny voices.
After school on the last day, all of the teachers worked together to plant in the school garden and to paint a mural in one of the hallways. I'm allergic to LA plant life, so I helped with the mural, and it looked incredible when we were finished.

I'm tired and I have a lot to do (I'm moving on Friday, plus I have PD and all that for school), but summer school was definitely a fun--albeit challenging, at times--experience. Now I'm really excited to enter second grade in the fall. :-)

**Today (Monday) wasn't really the last day of summer school--I started this awhile ago and just finished the post today.

Whoever Said Teaching Was Easy Lied

2011-07-08T19:26:00.000-05:00

That's what I have to say 15 minutes after getting back from school after my first week of teaching. These 6th graders are giving me a run for my money, but apparently I rock at behavior management. :-) So now I'm going to do what all good teachers do on a Friday afternoon--hello, happy hour! ;-P

So I'm Ready to Start Blogging about Teaching....

2011-06-28T23:41:00.000-05:00

...But I cannot figure out a blog title! I've cycled through variations on "Head of the Class" (at one point I think I had a reference to a bus in there), "They Call Me Profesora" (since I'm teaching a bilingual class), and some play on the word "lengua" (which means "tongue" and "language" in Spanish, and I don't have anything catchy. I have a t-shirt with a great (modified) quote by George Washington Carver--Education is the key to unlocking the golden gate of freedom--and I've looked to it for inspiration, but to no avail. For now, I'll share some tidbits of my teacher training here when I get a chance this weekend. Right now I'm teaching 7th grade Language Arts, and this lesson-planning process is no joke! :-P But I've met some really great people (including a good number of fellow natural women with awesome hairstyles), and I'm learning a lot. Hopefully by this weekend I'll be able to say more about what my summer school (coincidentally, named after George Washington Carver) is like.

Today is a New Day, a New Beginning...

2011-06-24T18:50:00.000-05:00

That's actually the start of the academic pledge we had to say at my elementary school when I was in 3rd, 4th, and 5th grade. How fitting that I should remember the words on the same day I got hired as a 2nd grade bilingual teacher in the East Bay. I'm so excited to become a teacher. That's all. :-)

In Case You Were Wondering What My Hair Looks Like

2011-06-16T21:26:00.000-05:00

If you haven't noticed, the two pictures of myself that I use around the web (i.e., my profile pic in the right-hand column and my Gravatar commenting picture) are pretty outdated. I'm too lazy to change my profile (I'm not the picture-taking type unless there's a special occasion), and I just like the picture of me and Z. But I just so happened to have a camera and the cord in my purse today, so I finally took (2) pictures. Coincidentally, tomorrow marks 6 months since I Big Chopped (and I didn't even think of that until after I took the pictures). :-)

This is what my hair looks like just out of the shower.

Aaand closeup!

I'm about to put twists in, so I'll add that pic later (I'm a slow twister, but Z's working late and I don't have anything better to do until he gets home)--most of you East Coasters probably won't see this post until tomorrow anyway. Feel free to share your own hair pictures (or links to your Flickr, blog, etc.) in the comments!

Thor

2011-06-14T20:38:00.000-05:00

Z and I went to see Thor over the weekend, which is kind of a big deal because I can't remember the last time we saw a movie in theaters. (Movies are expensive--my mom says my younger sisters want to hang out at the movies all the time now, and I'm like, "With what money? One trip to the movies is worth 5 trips to McDonald's!" But I digress.) I hadn't seen any of the commercials/previews, so I had no preconceptions about the movie, but I thought it was pretty good, overall. (Here come the spoilers!)

The pros:

*I thought Thor's arrogance at the beginning of the movie was very relatable, and I bought his transformation by the end of the movie.

*I liked the tie-in to the modern day. I'm glad they did it that way instead of having a bunch of bizarre historical inaccuracies (I give the fact that everyone's speaking English a pass.).

*The action sequences were great. I don't like 3-D movies, but done right, this might be worth seeing in 3-D. Plus the color schemes were beautiful.

The cons:

*The romance aspect of the movie was just cheesy. It seems like they were going for the whole epic/starcrossed lovers theme, but it didn't really make sense for Thor and ~~Googling Natalie Portman's character's name~~ Jane to be so smitten, especially since they were setting Jane up to be the workaholic type. Why else would she live some kind of trailer (Side note: What was that?) with her younger assistant and her dad's scientist friend?

*I had a suspicion that the people against Idris Elba's casting were just being racist-ass racists (TM Witchsistah), but watching the film confirmed it. As far as I know, the only Nordic person in the main cast was Stellan Skarsgard, so the people complaining should've lumped everyone else in the film in with Idris. Plus, as I mentioned to Z after the movie, it's not like Nordic people in 965 AD had expertly-applied makeup, perfect skin, immaculately trimmed facial hair, good teeth, or hairless, glistening, oiled-up chests, so nitpicking the skin color of one character is pretty racist. Not that I'm surprised. (Side note: Why didn't I hear about any controversy over Tadanobu Asano's character? Is it because he's not as famous as Idris?)

*I was confused about Odin's "sleep". At first I thought he was in a coma, then Loki said he died, then he wasn't really dead--somehow I ended up confused. That's not really a criticism though; I probably just missed a line in the movie, and it's not like it took away from the plot.

Has anyone else seen Thor (or any other movies that have come out recently)? This will probably be the last movie we see until Harry Potter comes out next month, but I still want to see Jumping the Broom, and I'd probably watch Bridesmaids if it came out on Netflix.

In other news, I'm sorry I've been MIA on my own blog! I have a lot going on--I'm moving out of my place tomorrow and going out of town for training on Monday. If I had been writing my posts would've just been me bitching about work (there are no words), so be glad I spared you the details. Unfortunately, Z hasn't been so lucky. :-)

I really want to keep a written record of this whole training process, but I'm not sure if I'll do it here yet--I guess I have until Monday to figure it out!

48 Hours (of Straight Hair)

2011-05-28T14:51:00.000-05:00

The final graduation ceremony I attended Sunday ended early, so I was able to swing by my cousin's house and get my hair trimmed. I needed it. Badly. My hair looked like a lumpy mushroom right out of the shower, and I wanted to get rid of my old ends.

This was my first trim since I got the relaxed ends cut off in December, and it took a long time to blow dry and press my super-thick hair. By the time my cousin was finished, I looked like I had borrowed a Supremes wig. I was able to pull it back and look semi-decent:

This is me and a different cousin at the airport. My shirt is so wrinkly!

I haven't had straight hair in what feels like forever, so I found it....interesting. For one thing, I looked like I was in high school or younger, and two, straight hair takes a lot of upkeep (and time). You have to wrap it (I didn't even bring a comb), clip/pin it (ditto), and watch out for water. I made it through 1 day in San Francisco with straight hair, said, "Skip it", and wet my hair in the shower Tuesday night.

Apparently I had good timing, because it poured most of Wednesday, and I was helping with an outdoor field trip. I don't think there's anything wrong with straight hair (I know more and more women who've traded in relaxers for weekly/biweekly presses, with great results), but I've learned that I can't hack it. My ends are taken care of, my fro looks great again, and it was nice to see how much my hair has grown, but I won't have straight hair again until I get another trim, for sure.

Z will probably offer his opinion in the comments, but he loves my hair curly, so he was meh on the straight hair. (When I washed it, he was actually excited.) He was all paranoid about people only liking my hair because it was straight, which I thought was cute, but I don't care much what they think anyway. In general, women were more interested in the novelty of me with straight hair, while all of the guys I know like it better curly...I wonder why?

I want to eventually learn how to trim my own hair, since I've been spoiled my whole life with so many hairdressers in the family, so my question is: Do any of you straighten/trim your own hair? Do you find it difficult to deal with the upkeep, or is it just an accepted part of the process? Inquiring minds want to know. :-)

Graduation Fotos

2011-05-23T21:05:00.001-05:00

Me and Z after the Phi Beta Kappa Ceremony


Me at the Black Student Ceremony

Me and Mom

Graduating in the stadium

Graduation Weekend (Updated 1x)

2011-05-21T18:52:00.001-05:00

My Eastern time zone friends can rejoice: I've officially started participating in the graduation ceremony activities. The highlights so far:

I received a stole at the Black student recognition ceremony, and I was given a personalized business card holder for graduating with Latin Honors.
I went to the Phi Beta Kappa recognition ceremony, which featured this man with a very strange speaking pattern--afterward we debated whether he was crying/choking up or just wheezing.
I ran into some good friends, and reconnected with an old one (the latter experience will be explained in a future post).
Lots of my friends met Z for the first time, and they think he's really cute. :-)
I just opened my graduation present from Z, and he got me a natural hair book. (I complain sometimes about not being good at trying out new styles, especially since I don't have the patience for video tutorials.) Definitely a useful gift!

I will have pictures and more details in the next few days--yay for graduating!

PDA with a Purpose

2011-05-19T00:41:00.000-05:00

Apparently I was belatedly bitten by the Blogger bug--I wrote (and published, I think) a post earlier this week, but I haven't been paying that much attention to the front page when I moderate comments. Then, when I published the latest post on creepsters, I noticed my PDA post was still in the drafts box. Of course I click it and the contents are gone. Grr...

It was a fairly long post, and now I have to muster up the energy to a) remember what I wrote and b) rewrite it. We'll see how that goes.

ETA: I just checked my email, and it did publish, because I received 2 comments on it.

For the record, the post was about how Z, as the king of PDA, tends to get super-huggy/kissy whenever he thinks some guy is trying to hit on me. We have different definitions of flirting, and I tease him sometimes about going overboard, but generally I think it's cute that he's so eager to "claim" me in public. I find it interesting that he's the claiming one, however, since I feel like women who talk to him are way more forward than guys who talk to me. In my case, they are usually just chatting--most guys meet me in front of Z, so it's not like they can blatantly hit on me without him seeing--but in his case girls will see me next to him and keep on oogling, or they'll make an excuse to walk past him a bunch of times and say something. He tends to attract really forward (sometimes desperate) women, so it doesn't really faze me, but I still laugh at the irony.

The questions I post to you (commenters) are:

1) Do you (or your partner) use PDA as a way of "marking your territory"?

2)What do you consider to be the boundaries of flirting vs. friendly conversation (either on your part or on the part of people who approach you)?

3) Why are really forward women attracted to nerdy guys? (Just kidding, that's a question for another post. :-P)

OK, I pretty much summed it up. I feel better now.

I Hate Creepsters, Part II

2011-05-15T13:41:00.000-05:00

It really bothers me that even though I believe sexual harassment is wrong and that no one deserves to be harassed, I still feel ashamed to label people harassers when I know them or it seems like they "mean well". I'm sure there's some underlying conditioning via social messages--women aren't supposed to get mad when someone "pays them a compliment", and if someone's harassing you, you probably did something to bring it on yourself. But the only think I've done is be Black, female, and young-looking, so I go back and forth between being annoyed/angry, feeling bad for being annoyed/angry, and then annoyed/angry with myself for feeling bad.

Lots of people think I look young. That's just the reality--I'm short, relatively thin (not thin enough to be considered a minor), and I rarely wear makeup. I was sure that my short natural hair would make me look older, but so far, it's a no. :-/ I don't mind if people think I'm younger than I am, but I do mind if they think that young = green = you can talk to me any kind of way because I'll take any male attention. (I'm looking at you, men old enough to be my dad.)

I had a situation like this at work recently. This guy who works at the school (but not in my office, so we don't have the same employer) got in the habit of stopping by to talk to me every day. He would generally stop in the office to move stuff (he works with maintenance) and chat with some of the other people, but when he found out I spoke Spanish he started coming by more often. At first I didn't mind--he doesn't really speak much English so he was eager to communicate with someone, and he would ask if I could translate some mail he received, wanted a copy of the lessons for the computer classes I was teaching. Then, he got more "friendly", to the point that I started to feel uncomfortable. This guy is married, and I know he has children that are at least semi-grown, but I felt like he treated me, a young Spanish-speaking woman, differently than he treated other women in the office (there's another Spanish speaker in her 30s, but she was out on maternity leave for the majority of time this was happening).

I started to dread him coming by, because I felt he was way too "familiar"--I talked to a friend about it and finally copped out (IMO) and started chatting him up about my boyfriend. One day Z was going to pick me up from work (our jobs are pretty close to one another, and we sometimes get off at the same time), and I said something along the lines of "Oh, you can meet my boyfriend today; he's coming to get me." He didn't meet him, but I definitely saw the shift in behavior after that. He's no longer calling me inappropriate nicknames, he's not stopping by my desk every day, and he doesn't bring me treats anymore. And I feel shitty that it took me introducing another guy for him to stop.

When it comes to young guys, I feel like things are a lot more blatant, so I can shut it down more quickly. But in this situation (and similar situations), I feel like older men get a "pass", because they're married (so they must not be *really* trying to do anything), because they're old school (and have different standards for appropriate interactions), and because they're harmless old coots. But that doesn't take into account that it's plausible that some of these old, married coots like to push the boundaries on their marriage and take advantage of not being seen as a threat. I really wanted to give this guy the benefit of the doubt, and I do think he meant well, but meaning well isn't a good enough reason to feel uncomfortable.

I'll be honest, I'm not going to report this. I'm not really sure how to, since the employment stuff at my job is weird, and it's over (and I'm glad), so I've just moved on. Reporting it immediately would've been a good idea, but even though I can see how it's good advice I also understand why someone wouldn't do it. Outside of an individual incident (because I'm sure there are similar stories out there), how can we re-frame harassment as something that "well-intentioned people" do too?

It's Not You, It's Your Friends

2011-05-01T14:35:00.000-05:00

If you hated your partner's friends, would it be a dealbreaker? For me, I think the answer is yes, given that I actually hated them and didn't just dislike them. But I think I have good reasons (and of course there are exceptions).

1. If I hate someone, I generally have a good reason.

I'll admit I don't really "hate" people, because it takes too much effort. Even actively disliking someone is a challenge for me--as a kid, I always failed at giving my sisters the silent treatment when they made me angry. But if I'm at the point where I don't want to be around a person, it's because I dislike either their attitudes (e.g., racism) or actions (e.g., drug use) and said thoughts/behaviors are an integral part of interacting with the person. One of Z's friends (I think he qualifies as an ex-friend now) who I've never met is a former soldier who has some questionable ideas about a lot of things--he would go in this category, because he's not the "just make polite conversation and keep it moving" type.

2. People are generally inclined to defend their friends (which complicates things).

One time, Z and I got into a fight over something inappropriate that one of his close friends wrote on his Facebook wall. I was angry because I felt that he let his friend slide where he wouldn't let anyone else slide at the risk of offending me; he didn't want to call out his friend and tried to take a neutral approach, which wasn't really working given the nature of the comment. It wasn't a very serious situation, but I'm still giving that friend the side-eye almost a year later, and I think it's a good example of how we can jump to defending our friends as people even when we disagree with their attitudes or actions. It becomes a slippery slope when the defense (or neutral stance) is seen as support of the friend's words or behaviors, and it can put a strain on the relationship.

3. No one wants to choose between friends and a relationship.

I'm mildly conflict-avoidant and tend to plan everything in advance, so ideally I would never be in this situation ("me or your friends")--I'd rather find out the rift before ever dating the person and avoid the drama, but of course that's not always possible. My life experiences have made it easier for me to distance myself from people if a situations not working out, and it can make me seem cold, but I'm just wired to apply logic to emotional situations. Between going to college out-of-state and moving across the country on my own right, I've already had experience leaving friendships or relationships and not being too upset about it. It's not that I don't care, it's just that I know that if I do care I'll show it (by calling, visiting, etc.), and the other person will do the same. If we don't show it, it's because we don't care, and that's just life. (Harsh, right? :-P)

Obviously, not everyone's like me, and I imagine it can be really stressful for some people to choose between friends (especially people they've grown up with) and a relationship. If it appears the person won't be completely happy either way, I'd rather just cut my losses since I won't be happy either if I'm forced to interact with people I have significant issues with.

I hope it goes without saying that I'm talking about serious friction between you and someone's friends, not petty things (although "serious" and "petty" are relative). I've never hated a boyfriend's friends, but the difference in our attitudes and behaviors has led to problems in the relationship before. However, I don't think it was the friends in and of themselves--they just revealed to me characteristics my boyfriend had tried to downplay in front of me. (Not Z, of course. :-P)

What do you think about being compatible with your partner's friends? Do our friends really reflect on us?

A Friendly Reminder

2011-04-30T12:18:00.000-05:00

I don't publish Anonymous comments. I get loads of spam (it's weird; I used Japanese in a post/comment a long time ago and I'm still getting Japanese spam 1.5 years later), and much of it is from "Anonymous". So please pick a name (any name, currently I'm partial to Felicia) by:

Entering a name as a "Google Account"--even if you don't have an account the comment will still go through; when people click on your name Blogger's "This person has not elected to make his/her account public" message will show up."
Using an OpenID (Aim, Wordpress, etc.)--this will let you link back to your own blog/profile
Using Name/URL--you can enter any name and just leave the url blank, and the name on your comment will appear in gray (i.e., unclickable); entering a URL will allow you to link to your blog/webpage/whatever
Anonymous--THIS IS NOT AN OPTION

Thanks and enjoy the weekend--it is beautiful outside today, so I will be doing some studying (important test next Saturday), shopping for my sister's birthday/mother's day, and getting a pedicure and eyebrow wax. :-)

The Work-Life Balance

2011-04-20T00:26:00.000-05:00

In a sentence: I'm working on it.

Also, what I wrote about not wanting friendships with coworkers? Still QFMFT.

Z and I are great, though he has a new job with long hours. :-/ (Do any of you want to pay me some attention?)

Besides being a lazy blogger, I've been a lazy blog commenter, and I don't even know why. I think I'm just getting in less computer time lately--I need to start catching up at work. (Kidding!)

Since I work at a school, maybe a post on boundary lines with students should come up soon. I ~~know some people who could use it~~ think it might be interesting.

Right now, I could use a back rub, a pedicure, and a spiked Shirley Temple (preferably all at once).

Swirl Questions

2011-04-12T23:28:00.006-05:00

On the last post, reader Nkuri had a few questions. I'm interested to see what your answers are--I feel like these are questions people always want to ask, but no one ever does. I'll admit that some of them made me laugh, but I say that in the nicest way possible.

Do you ever miss black men?

I would say no, because when I dated Black guys, I didn't really think about them being Black, and I didn't see them as group. I see them as individuals, so I think a question that would make more sense to me would be "Do you miss dating [insert name]? None of the guys I've dated have had much in common. Plus Z's not the first White guy I've dated, so it's not like I've had a big "crossing over" experience. :-P

Do or did you ever miss looking at your bed side and seeing a person that resembles you?

LOL, no guy I've ever dated has resembled me. For starters, they've all been significantly taller. :-) My longest relationship to date was with a light-skinned Black guy (celebrity doppelganger: Affion Crockett), so we didn't even have a skin color in common.

Do you ever miss touching and feeling hair/skin that resembles yours?

See above. The last guy I dated had relatively straight hair (he kept it short in a fade). On the other hand, Z's hair is pretty coarse, and when it gets long it looks like the makings of a Jew-fro. I really like touching guys' hair, regardless of texture, so I don't have a preference as long as there's something for me to play with.

Do you ever miss naturally relating to someone if that is a factor?

I've never "naturally related" to any of the guys I've dated. I think it's probably because I don't like to date guys I'm friends with. I've been friends with every guy I've dated (I know that sounds like a contradiction), but it was usually clear pretty early that he was interested in me in that way, so the friendship developed at the same time as the flirtation. In general, I don't think I naturally relate to Black people in general--it's depends on other factors, like whether we have the same interests, whether we're from the same parts of the country, etc. For example, moving to California from Chicago is a cultural shift that makes everyone here different from me, even if we are the same race.

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I'm sure these can be deep questions for some people, but for me they really aren't. As I've mentioned before, I was never raised/led to believe that it was more natural for me to date/socialize with Black people than non-Black people, and I never had a "Yay, we're both Black!" moment with any of the Black guys I dated. Most of the people in my family (including my parents, obviously) are Black people involved with other Black people, but none of them seem to see themselves as representatives of Black love. I think and talk about race more now that I'm with Z (in part because of my education and recent experiences), but even our conversations on IR aren't usually of the existential nature. These are definitely interesting questions, but now a part of me is curious about what leads someone to ask them in the first place. Your thoughts?

A Wrench in the (No-Swirl) Plan

2011-04-07T18:35:00.000-05:00

If you were opposed to dating people with a certain characteristic, for whatever reason, but those were the only kind of people you attracted, would you give in?

From the title, you probably guessed that I'm talking about IR dating, though I think the question applies to a lot of characteristics, like height, hair type, etc. I've found it most interesting, however, when I've known people who refused to date people of a given race, even when those were the only people they ever attracted!

Take C, for instance. I met this girl in college, and she lamented to me (and others) that she had never had a boyfriend, never even really had a prospect, etc. Since she came from a really White southwestern town (and apparently befriended racist people regularly), I thought it was understandable that she was looking for better experiences in college. What I didn't get is why she was determined to date a stereotypical Black thug. No seriously--she was angling to be some guy's ride or die chick, and for the life of me I couldn't figure out why.

For starters, as I've mentioned before, my university was like 2% Black. It was also private, so recruiters sought out Black students from all-White or nearly all-White high schools. There were no thugs to be found, unless you count the wannabes.

Second, and I'll put it bluntly, this poor thing couldn't attract a Black dude to save her life. I don't know how or why (though I suspect she was viewed as desperate and "green"), but it was just a lost cause, in terms of numbers. As I told her, on more than one occasion, why are you focused on waiting for one of the three Black guys on campus to notice you when you could check out all your options and perhaps find someone you have more things in common with?

The grand irony of the situation is that the reason I'm not friends with this girl is because she has a lot of negative assumptions about other Black women. Apparently, we were all a bunch of stuck-up hoodrats who dared to walk around thinking we were worth something. (Oddly, that sounds like a male blogger--or two--that I can think of.) But at the same time she was waiting on the thug with a heart of gold (I heard a guy call it "Tupac with a college degree" on tv once) to pop up out of nowhere and treat her like a queen.

If you've read this blog before, you probably know that I'm a math geek who follows the "play the numbers" philosophy. I don't care what type of person you want, per se, as long as you don't complain about the odds with that type not being in your favor. That has nothing to do with swirl advocacy, it's just common sense. So what do you do when someone you know is always complaining that no one from their pool of 5 people is interested? They usually don't listen to reason, but I guess you could always refer to this post. :-)

Down for the Count, Part II

2011-04-04T21:26:00.000-05:00

This time I probably traumatized someone's kid...I fainted on the train on my way to work this morning, then I fainted again at school. On the bright(?) side, I rode in an ambulance the first time, an attractive paramedic got to hold my bedpan (after I used it), and I feel fine now (though I'm going to rest as much as possible over the next few days). I'm also taking my first trip to Denver on Wednesday--can't nothin' hold me down! :-)

Time to Put $ Where the Mouth Is

2011-04-03T15:53:00.001-05:00

I wrote a review of Tulpa, or Anne & Me some time ago on this blog, and this morning I got a really nice email from the playwright (our very own RVCBard) that said they're almost to the donation goal. That's where we come in:

1. If you haven't read this play, read it (please). Here's the link to my review if you're still not convinced. (But you should be--if you've seen this woman's comments around the web you know she's smart as a whip, and her play is no exception.)

2. If you like what you read, donate.If every follower of this blog contributes just $5, the production team can reach their goal.

3. If you know others who might be interested, pass it on. Blog, Facebook, Twitter, etc., every little bit helps to spread the word.

4. If you make it to NYC to see the play, please share the details. Those of us on the opposite coast would appreciate it!

OK, now I'll step off of my Sunday soapbox. :-)

Baby Jasmin Comes for A Visit

2011-04-01T00:14:00.000-05:00

My mom scanned and emailed a bunch of old pictures to me today, because she has to submit 2 for a graduation slide show. She wanted me to pick the ones I wanted (one, ages birth-4; the other ages 5-12), and a part of me thinks she wanted to mortify me--she had my sisters and I in the ugliest clothes in the 90s! Anyway, here are all 8 of them, with commentary:

My mom used to love to dress me in sweaters when I was a kid (I still love sweaters, I admit it), and my sister and I tended to wear a lot of braided styles. I hated sitting to get them done (our Trinidadian nanny would watch talk shows while she did them), but the finished product looked really cute! I don't think I could do braids now--my hands are in my head too much. And I notice I look an awful lot like my sister in these pictures (see more photos below).

I don't know how old I am in this picture (Z guesses 10 or 11), but I noticed that I never used to show teeth when I smiled for photos (I got braces in 5th grade). Now I always show teeth because I think my smile looks awkward without them. Is it just me, or are my ears sticking out? :-P

This picture is from my mom's wedding to my stepdad when I was 4. I was the flower girl, and I might look cute here, but I was too shy to actually walk down the aisle during the ceremony! My aunt had to pretty much push me down there, and yes, the evidence still exists (on VHS).

I'm still convinced this is a picture of my younger sister, and my mom just got us mixed up, because I don't look like this in any other pictures. Plus I was a skinny kid from birth, while my sister was the chubby one.

I don't know what's up with parents sticking a huge barrette on the teeny bit of hair their kids hair, but I guess this picture is cute (minus my big ol' forehead). People always say I look the exact same now, but I think parts of my face look significantly different (especially my nose and lips). I'm glad I grew into my ears though--and what's up with the back of this dress?

My mom loves this picture, and she and my aunt always joke that it's probably floating around in a Johnson & Johnson ad somewhere. I'm guessing this was taken the same day as the one above it, though I look so much smaller in the tub.

Another picture where I look like my sister, which is funny since we don't look that much alike now. I'm not surprised by that frilly, flowery thing--is it any wonder I hate prints now?

Pictures of me with my sister:

Her Senior Prom

Christmas 2008

Who knows when this was taken?

She's coming to visit for Memorial Day, so I'll try to get some photos then, and she reads my blog sometimes; maybe she'll finally comment! This post wouldn't be complete without a recent(ish) photo; I've been lazy with the camera lately, but here I am with my friend 2 weeks ago:

Chasing Amy, You Disappoint Me (I Think)

2011-03-29T12:40:00.000-05:00

(Note: I'm going to spoil pretty much the whole movie, so don't read if you want to see it first.)

Z and I watched Chasing Amy over the weekend, since it came in the mail from Netflix. It's from the 90s, and the premise sounded pretty interesting: straight man (Ben Affleck, who was not looking his best here) falls in love with a lesbian (Joey Lauren Adams). I figured it could be a satirical takedown of the stereotypical lesbian, and the first 15 minutes seemed like a good start. Holden and Alyssa met at Comic Con during the "minority" panel, when Holden's friend Banky helped their gay Black male friend freak out the audience by pretending to be a militant, "Black rage" type. There's a couple of lines about how the friend (Hooper) has to fulfill all of these scary Black man stereotypes to sell his comics, which are about a "Down with Whitey" superhero.

The next half of the story played out how you would expect: Holden finds out she's a lesbian pretty quickly, but they start hanging out as friends. He starts to fall in love with her, and then it gets sticky. Z and I disagreed a bit on this: I don't think Alyssa led him to believe that she had feelings for him, though I could see how she took advantage of his interest. Z, on the other hand, thinks it was a textbook "she led him on" situation. (I think our disagreement was more in wording than anything, since it's not like Z thinks she "turned straight" because of Holden.) As it turned out, our opinions were moot. Holden admitted that he was in love with Alyssa, and his speech had so many things wrong with it. (He pulled over to the side of the road on a rainy night, confessed all of these feelings, then went the whole "a part of you feels it too" route.) At first, I thought Alyssa was going to deliver a huge smackdown--I was hoping that the director, through the characters, would highlight the fact that Holden fell in love with Alyssa in part because he didn't consider her relationships with women valid. (His best friend Banky was a big ol' homophobe, and there were plenty of conversations about how lesbian sex isn't real sex, including a disturbing debate about rape.) And Alyssa started to curse him out (Side note: Joey Lauren Adam's unique voice didn't help her with the emotional parts of this movie--the scenes were more shrieky than poignant.), but then she came back and kissed him and they ended up sleeping together and getting caught by Banky.

If there was ever a jump-the-shark moment in a movie, that was it. Z could see that I was annoyed with the movie after that part (I get invested in films while I'm watching them. :-P). As I explained to him, I wasn't annoyed that she fell in love with Holden (I wasn't convinced, but that could've just been the acting), I was annoyed that the straight White male director who attempted to write something nuanced couldn't come up with something better than the stereotypical "every lesbian just needs a good d*cking". (Yes, one of the characters actually said that.)

Fast forward to the end of the movie--Alyssa claims she only ever had sex with women, but it turns out she sexually experimented when she was younger with women and men. Holden is angry and confronts her, then his genius idea to get over his anger (and end Banky's resentment--all of this time Banky's been jealous of his relationship with Alyssa) is for all of them to have a threesome. Alyssa tells Holden she's not his whore and dumps him, Banky agrees at first, then walks out after Alyssa and ends their 20-year friendship. The end. A couple of things to note:

1. Holden never really got angry at Alyssa for lying. The whole time (this was a long movie), Z and I were talking to the screen saying, "Why isn't he saying anything about the fact that she lied?!?" It turned out he was angry that she wasn't the only man she'd been with, which was stupid and showed how reductionist his thinking was.

2. The script kind of set Holden up as the "good guy" vs. bad guy Banky. Once he started dating Alyssa, he told Banky to stop using homophobic slurs, blah, blah, blah. I don't think the movie really conveyed how big of a jerk he was, and that really irritates me about movies that try to be about "issues" (see Crash). I don't know Kevin Smith's intentions--Wikipedia says it was inspired by his relationship with Joey Lauren Adams at the time and a scene from one of his earlier movies in which a lesbian character imagines her friends judging her for "selling out" and sleeping with a man--but if he was trying to be deep he pretty much failed. Also, as usual Black lesbians don't exist. (The film was set in New York, if it matters.)

3. This wasn't a "bad" movie, per se; if you haven't seen it I recommend you do and draw your own conclusions. But something about disappointed me about halfway in, and I couldn't shake it for the rest of the movie. It could've been so much better (though I guess it was about what I expected for a movie written by a straight man about a straight male protagonist and a lesbian ~~accessory~~ love interest), and after reading a few reviews it seems like Chasing Amy shares something else in common with Crash, the idea that any criticism of the movie means the person didn't "get it". I got it; I just didn't like it. Thoughts?

I Hate Creepsters

2011-03-26T15:14:00.000-05:00

So I said I'd blog about my friend's visit, and one of the reoccurring themes of the weekend was creepy old men. Since I've lived here, I've been able to fly under the radar. I get hit on occasionally, but I'd like to think that I perfected my "don't mess with me" face back home. But as soon as my friend showed up, all bets were off:

1. I saw more black men in SF last weekend than I've seen since I've lived here.

2. Something about the two of us together attracts a lot of unwanted attention. (We went to an Irish bar on St. Patty's, and this old blonde dude tried to engage me in a conversation on the difference between men's and women's public restrooms while I stood guard for my friend outside the bathroom door.)

3. I blame her. (Kidding!)

Creepy older men have always bothered me because I, like many Black women, remember being hit on by grown-ass men when I was 12. That coupled with the fact that half the time people guess my age to be 3-4 years younger makes me wonder why old dudes are trying to talk to me knowing I'm probably young enough to be their child (yuck). I don't think the "strength in numbers" advice applies to a small group of women, since some guys act more bold when I'm out in a group. We laugh sometimes about how we've perfected the art of slipping through crowds at the first sign of a creepster, but it gets annoying to need the "protection" of our male friends or of Z to avoid catcalls from some dude with 3 teeth. I'm not absolving young guys of creepster status, but a part of me gets more annoyed at older men because I wonder how they would feel about someone approaching their daughter/granddaughter/niece like that, and I feel like they take advantage of the power differential between older men and younger women to act like assholes.

Moral of the story? Next time, I'm bringing my mace. :-)

Down for the Count

2011-03-21T17:17:00.000-05:00

The good news is that I had my first San Francisco visitor: my closest friend from college. She got into town Thursday (St. Patrick's Day) and we partied. Hard. It was really fun; we went to a couple of Irish bars and this one guy "accidentally" spilled a drink on her coat, bought us drinks (by that time we were on number [greater than 5] and didn't need anymore, but it was free and we were trying to live it up), and invited us to sit with him and his friends. The rest of the weekend was equally entertaining, even though it rained.

The bad news is that I'm old and can't party like that anymore, so I called in sick today so I could rest. Hopefully Z will baby me when he gets home from school today, and I'll have some in-depth posts on the weekend up by the end of the week.

White-People Curvy

2011-03-14T00:59:00.000-05:00

That's what I've been labeled (informally) since high school. Not as skinny as a "flat-booty White girl", not as big as a stereotypical "thick" girl. (Full disclosure: my measurements are 34-26-35, and I still shop in the Juniors department.) When I was younger, White people (guys and girls) would call me "curvy", and I would look at them funny, thinking, wait until you see my sister (a textbook thick girl). I'll admit, my experiences contributed, in part, to my acceptance of the stereotype that White people like their women thin--guys especially tended to comment that I was the "right size", and girls bigger than me were "too big". As I found out in college, I wasn't the only one who felt that way. I remember one time, a meeting of the Black women's social club I belonged to turned into an impromptu discussion of beauty standards on campus, and the general consensus was that body type trumped other features for White males.

An interesting trend I've noticed that fits with my experiences is that White men my age are moving away from the "stick-thin girl with big boobs = ideal" mindset, but only by the tiniest of degrees. Now, almost all of the White guys I know proclaim big butts to be the best thing ever, but it's laughable that the big butt standard is a size 4. In a weird way, there's even some subtle social pressure to like booty, as if big boobs are so passe. It's even gotten to the point where some White dudes I know are dropping names like Ki Toy Johnson and Melyssa Ford and I'm like, "Huh?"

The skeptic in me feels like this shift is mostly lip service--it's "cool" (at least in my high school/college environment) to like big butts now, but that doesn't mean the women attached to them are going to get asked out by most of the guys oogling them. And I'm sure there's a heavy racial/sexual component involved when the woman is Black.

I roll my eyes at guys who try to score points by saying they love thick women, and then "thick" turns out to be size 8 or below (I've blogged about size-related stuff before, FYI). Yet, I have seen an interesting dynamic when the standard "racial hierarchy of attractiveness" is subverted and thin (regardless of race) is on top while not-thin is on the bottom, namely in regards to the placement of overweight White women. That's another post for another time though--your thoughts please!

(Not) Living Together

2011-03-05T19:22:00.000-06:00

The question most-frequently asked of me and Z since I moved here is, "Are you all living together?" And the answer is no. :-)

I understand why people would ask--it's expensive to live in the Bay, and I they tend to assume that I moved here to live with him. But, once I tell them our story, I'm a little surprised they still expect us to be living together. Even if I didn't have any qualms about living together (see this post I wrote over a year ago), I wouldn't think it a good idea to go from being 2000 miles apart, long-distance to in each other's faces 24/7. I guess what's most surprising to me is that (in our world, at least), cohabitation has gone from a semi-taboo to the choice in a relationship--what we're doing (living apart) is the oddity.

I don't know what it is about this area--finances, religious/personal beliefs, or something else--but I can see a definite difference between how people back home reacted to me and Z deciding to live together (or not) and how people here react. Back home, a lot of people thought it was a good idea and "made sense" that we weren't going to live together, since it would put a lot of pressure on our relationship, most of all financially. With him still in school and me a recent graduate, living together immediately would've most likely put us in a position where we couldn't break up and move out, even if we wanted. (Side note: I find that a particularly scary situation since I know some people who are too broke to divorce and are tolerating each other just because of finances.) In addition, we aren't the type of couple who would do well living in a house with additional roommates (he has 2, a guy and a girl at the time)--that just seems like it has the potential for drama and awkward situations.

In contrast, when I tell people Z and I aren't living together and explain our relationship, they still want a reason for why we aren't cohabitating. For me, it seems obvious just based on the logistical reasons above, but to others, it's like not living together is (ironically) progressive.

I don't think people are commenting on our relationship from a place of negative judgment (and even if they were, it's not like that would change anything), but I just find it interesting how the acceptable reasons for cohabitation have shifted from a pre-marriage situation to a circumstance you could find yourself in with any partner. In the same way, a failed cohabitation experience has gone from the ultimate learning experience to something that comes along with dating and relationships. Is this just me (and apparently, the people I come across) or is this an attitude found in people (young, old, take your pick) across the country/world?

The "Best Black"

2011-02-25T14:55:00.000-06:00

Recently, a coworker and I were working on some Black History Month activities at school, and I mentioned how I was learning a lot as I observed the similarities and differences between my middle school experience and the experiences of the Black students I work with. As I told her, it's made me reflect a lot more on how my experience of class and race growing up set me up for a different experience of Blackness than the ones I have witnessed.

For starters, I went to a middle school that was middle class and at least 95% Black. (Oddly, the feeder schools into my middle school were more diverse, so I'm not sure what happened between 5th and 6th grade. According to Google, it's now 84% Black, 11% White, 2.6% Hispanic, and .87% Asian.) As I told my coworker, going to an almost all-Black school meant that Black people were represented in all segments of the school population. The gifted kids? Mostly Black. The kids who got into trouble a lot? Mostly Black. The band? ...I think you get the idea.

Even though I didn't realize it then, my experience in a school like that meant that I conceptualized Blackness in a way many White people view Whiteness: it neither damned you nor elevated you. I was the "smartest kid in the class", not "the smartest Black kid in the class", and it wasn't more plausible to me to have Black kids in special ed than in the honors classes.

I think having that self-concept worked as a buffer when I ended up at a college that was 2% Black. (My high school was 17% Black, but it seemed like more at the time.) Being the only Black person in class was a bit weird, but to be honest, I was more weirded out by other Black people who were used to being the only Black person in the class. I'm not naive; I wasn't surprised that a private, religious university would recruit Black students from all-White areas, but I was surprised that so many of them would come to that university looking for a "Black" experience. In many ways, their attitude was similar to that of White people looking to BET for "how Black people act", but there was the added component of them seeking out White validation.

I gained a firsthand experience with this type of person hanging out with a former friend. It took me awhile to figure out, but she wanted to be the "cool" Black person for White people while holding other Black folks (especially other Black women) in disdain. I still haven't quite figured out why that is, but my guess is that she displaced her anger at being relegated to sidekick status (she was the ultimate "Black best friend/purseholder in the club" type) on other Blacks, as if they were the reason White people (especially White women) treated her so badly. The main reason our friendship broke up was because I couldn't cosign her suspicion and negativity, and I wasn't interested in being her ticket to authentic Blackness, whatever that means.

I tried (and failed) to give this post a sense of cohesion, but it's really just some thoughts on the formation of a racial identity, partially inspired by my observations of students are school who are in the midst of figuring it all out. If this makes even an iota of sense to you, feel free to comment.

Weird Celebrity Crushes

2011-02-23T00:19:00.000-06:00

Have you ever told someone about a celebrity you thought was attractive, just to have them laugh at you? That's what happened when Z and I were talking about Superbad (or some other Judd Apatow movie) and I mentioned that I think Jonah Hill is a cutie. He couldn't believe I would like someone who doesn't fit the Hollywood "hotness" criteria, and so this post was born.

It's not that Jonah Hill just benefits from personality (his character in Superbad was my favorite); I like the round "teddy bear" types. (I can't be the only one with a thing for Kevin James...)

Anyway, now you can feel free to share your non-media-approved crushes with the world (or with me at least :-P). And I'll add the disclaimer that I don't think liking any of these people is "weird"--I just couldn't come up with a similarly-short title that got to the point.

Interesting Question

2011-02-19T14:04:00.000-06:00

Last weekend when we were out to dinner, Z asked me what I would do if my parents/family disapproved of me dating him because he's White. (For the record, we were talking about someone we know whose parents disapprove of her relationship, and I said I agree with their reasoning, since the guy is no good.)

I told him that honestly, I couldn't answer that question, because my parents' rejection of him wouldn't be a one-time glitch in the plan, it would change the way my whole life had played out up to this point. Not only did my parents never set up the expectation that I had to only get involved with Black guys, they (my mom especially, since my dad likes to stay blissfully ignorant of his daughters' love lives) encouraged me to seek out good partners of all races.

It's kind of ridiculous, but my memories of my mom's attitude begin in kindergarten. Back then, my elementary school offered half-day kindergarten, which meant plenty of time for play dates. My mom was pregnant with the triplets at the time, so when she wasn't on bedrest she would run into some of the other kindergarten moms at the supermarket. They would get to talking (my mom is a big socializer--she's that person who has in-depth conversations with the grocery baggers on a regular basis), and after awhile I started going to some of these friends' houses after school. The boys' parents just loved me, and so they and my mom would joke about "marrying us off one day". I rolled my eyes at the time (by chance, I ended up going to school with some of these guys through high school graduation, and we lived so close that I even saw some of their moms around the neighborhood when I would come home from college), but looking back now, I realize my mom showed me that there weren't any taboos in terms of who was an acceptable guy for me to bring home.

My mom didn't "put me on" to White or Black guys exclusively; she loved to brag about me to anyone she deemed appropriate, in her words, "nice-looking guys who were in school". And she doesn't exercise the "Black men only" rule in her personal life either--it still cracks me up that she has a thing for our dentist, Dr. Cheung, and you should've heard the way she talked about my sister's orthodontist, a South Asian man who's name I forget. (She got really excited when she heard his wife was Black, and I'll admit that he was pretty fine. :-P) Now that I think about it, I think she has a special attraction to men who work on teeth, because she also thinks our new dentist, a young White guy, is pretty hot. :-)

I'm pretty sure that my mom's attitude toward racial barriers in dating had a big influence on me, which is why I couldn't give Z a straight answer to his question. By the same token, I think it would be interesting to examine what messages other people received as they were growing up, and whether that's impacted who they find acceptable to bring home today.

Welcome to the Real World

2011-02-15T19:47:00.000-06:00

I've been meaning to share about life after the move and everything, but it's definitely been kicking my butt! Last you all heard, I had moved to SF and was settling in. Since then, I've started working full-time at a middle school, and it's been incredible (and busy!). I'm actually working as part of a non-profit organization to provide services for families in San Francisco, but being based at a school means I'm looped into both the neighborhood and the district community. I realized the other day that this means I've been in schools (including now) for almost 17 years, and I don't plan on leaving anytime soon. Am I the biggest nerd ever or what? :-)

One thing I love about my job is that I have the freedom to do what I want. Since the branch of the non-profit that I work with is new, I can try new things and spend money as I see fit. Since I am very much an independent person, this has worked out well for now in terms of planning services, even though I look forward to doing community collaboration in the future.

If I ever doubted that being bilingual in Spanish would pay off, I am definitely eating my words. Even in an area and school as diverse as mine--more than half of the student population is classified as "English Language Learning"--there's a shortage of bilingual teachers, and using district translation services isn't feasible for day-to-day operations (parents need to be called, meetings need to be scheduled, etc.). Since I work right next to the main office, I'm always getting roped into translating for someone or other, and I'm still kind of in awe at how much "power" I have when I'm the only person in the room who knows what's going on on both sides. I plan on writing more on this (bilingualism and translation) when I start my second blog.

Speaking of...I have so many great post ideas, but no time to set the new blog up! (Maybe I can do it today...) I was planning on waiting until the new school year in the fall, but since I'm currently working in education (albeit from a different angle) and a lot of my own school memories are fresh in my mind, I want to get it together ASAP.

On the personal side, there's nothing extraordinary to report. Z and I are great as usual (he's waiting to see if I blog about the girl who tried to hit on him for like 4 hours last night, but I'm not, so ha! :-P), and we've been enjoying the unusually warm weather by spending a lot of time outdoors (except today, which is homework day for him, and I had do some work today). I'm hoping I can make some more new friends soon, but I'm so busy that I'll just have to wait and see. But, my closest friend from college is coming to visit next month, and I'm already excited. Feel free to share any of your own updates--the time difference makes it difficult for me to leave blog comments, but I promise I'm still reading. :-)

P.S. Happy V-Day! I already received my first valentine--from the 9-year-old boy I babysit. It's also my parents' and my aunt and uncle's wedding anniversaries on Monday, so I need to remember to make some phone calls (I mailed my parents a card earlier this week).

Do You Believe in Soulmates?

2011-02-12T16:39:00.000-06:00

Just in time for Valentine's Day: A Scrooge-esque post!:-P I promise I don't have a vendetta against the holiday; I've just been holding off on this one for too long.

I confess: I don't believe in soulmates. I have nothing against the concept (or people who do believe, given that Z is one of them), but I've never subscribed to the "one true love" philosophy. For starters, I'm more of an 80/20 type of person. I think there are a lot of people who I'm mostly compatible with, but what makes up the 80% (vs. the 20% of not-so-compatible traits) varies from person to person. So one guy might be compatible with me, in part, because he's very neat, while another guy might be not-so-neat (I can't do messy) but very assertive.

Second, I think conversations about soulmates can be dangerous whenever you are actually in a relationship. By virtue of being in a committed relationship with a person, don't you pretty much have to concede that s/he's your soulmate? If you don't, they'll probably ask why you're wasting your time. But if you do (and subsequently break up), then you're basically admitting that any other people you get involved with have no chance of being your soulmate. I'm sure people solve this problem by invoking hindsight, i.e., "I thought she was my soulmate, but after we broke up I realized I was wrong", but that's a bit too wishy-washy for me. I'd rather just avoid the label all-together.

I don't think I'm a love grinch, but I admit that overused romantic cliches do tend to bug me. Maybe that's why I'm anti-soulmate--I know it's supposed to be romantic and special, but I just see it as coercive (you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. But, I promise I won't hate if any of you believe in the concept. So if you have some mushy story about why a former/current partner is your soulmate, by all means share. (I also confess to being a big crybaby, so I'll probably shed some tears if it's really moving.) :-)

What Happens if You Find Out You're a Fetish?

2011-02-08T00:11:00.000-06:00

Recently, a friend of mine from college mentioned a shift in her relationships. She's been doing some reflecting, and even though she danced around the point, I'm pretty sure she came to the conclusion that most guys who approach her do so because of a fetish (or other unsavory reasons). This friend is Latina and every guy she's dated has been Black. In fact,no non-Black guy has ever even asked her on a date. Lately, she told me, these guys have been more "open" about why they sought her out (including some blatant racial comparisons), and I can understand why it would be disconcerting. Frankly, I don't think she expected to be "fooled", given that she has a pretty good understanding of the interaction between race, ethnicity, and beauty standards, and now she has to look at who she attracts (and whom she's attracted to) in a different light.

No surprise, that got me thinking. :-) How does the threat of a "fetish" change your perceptions? IME, it makes me more wary. When I was younger, I had a sneaking suspicion that most of the Black guys who were interested in dating me felt that way because I had long, relaxed hair and a sizable behind (for a thin girl). I think there was an underlying sentiment (moreso in regards to hair) that dark skin could be "mitigated" by long hair or a thick body. I'll be honest, subconsciously I don't think I would've ever considered having natural hair with my last boyfriend, not because he specifically would be unsupportive, but because it "just wasn't done" in that circle.

Finding out you've been a fetish can also provoke an identity crisis of sorts. We all want to think we're "different" and that our relationships don't conform to whatever stereotypes surround them. To go from feeling like an individual to Black woman/Latina/Asian girl of the week really sucks, but that feeling isn't divorced from beauty standards and race. Some people become fetishized by people of another race in part because they don't conform to beauty standards applied to their own race. (The classic example: overweight White women and Black men--even White women are joking about it now.) But we never talk about the other side of the coin. Sticking with the example, if the Black men in question disparage Black women (in private) for White but eventually end up using the White women for a fetish, who's the victim? Is there one? All of this has me questioning preference, fetish, and the benefits and drawbacks of both, but I don't think I have any answers. Thoughts, please!

Another Sunday Riddle

2011-02-06T14:28:00.002-06:00

By request... :-)

On her way to work, a woman looks down and notices her suit is torn. She realizes she's going to die, and there's nothing she can do about it. What happened?

Hint: It's not a violent death (gunshot, knife wound, etc.).

Update: Jessica got it right, so don't go to the comments if you want to make your own guess first!

Passing the Test

2011-02-02T21:59:00.000-06:00

This is another one of those posts I've had in mind for awhile, but it's taken me awhile to get my thoughts together on the topic. Apologies if it seems like I'm all over the place. :-)

I've mentioned in other posts on this blog that people generally have a good reaction to me and Z, and I would add that when it comes to people who know me well, I sometimes get the feeling that they approve of him more than they would approve of a) me dating some other White dude or b) a relative/friend of mine dating a White dude. Trying to unpack this with him has been futile, since he doesn't have that inside perspective on how Black women who date/marry non-Black men are perceived and how that perception is mitigated by culturally-specific factors. But I feel like, in a way, he's passed an unspoken test that makes him more palatable than other non-White men (and even some Black men) would be. For example:

1) He's openly affectionate and introduces me as his girlfriend, plus he was very clear about wanting to be in a serious relationship with me.

Fear over being treated as a secret or a sex object can play a role in BW/WM relationships, especially since society paints a Black woman as "a step down" and a liability. I remember some of my family members expressing surprise/admiration at the fact that he introduced me to his family at the first opportunity (about 5 months into our relationship), and he planned a long vacation for us to see them--10 days, not just a 1-day or weekend visit. They also comment on the fact that he's always hugging or kissing me and calling me "darling", and it appears that his affection (bordering on PDA) is a +1 in their book.

2) He's dating an "obviously Black" woman (with natural hair, to boot).

I'm not feeding into the assumption that light-skinned Black women with straight hair are "less Black" than my brown-skinned, Afro-wearing self, but I feel like he earns points for this from Black people we know, especially the ones (mostly Black men) he hangs out with on the music scene. The exchange usually goes like this:

Z: Hey so-and-so, you remember my girlfriend Jasmin.

Man: *knowing nod* Oh yea, that's what's up.

I don't know if it's particularly common to San Francisco slang or what, but I've gotten more that's what's ups than I can count. And I'm positive number 1 feeds into this reaction--they see that he's not the stereotype of a "shrinking violet" White guy and it earns him some kind of masculine "respect". It's kind of sad that it has to happen in the first place, but most of the Black people we casually encounter (generally older) give him "props" for going against the beauty standards norm and being so unapologetic about it.

3) He's comfortable around Black people.

I admit, this is something that can be subconsciously on my personal test as well. Once, Z asked me if I'd be OK with our hypothetical son or daughter dating a White (non-Jewish) woman. He said he had a feeling that I wouldn't, not because she'd be White, but because I'd see her intentions as non-genuine. And he was right, to an extent. Part of my personal litmus test (and not just in IR relationships) is how a person reacts to being around my family, majority-Black situations, etc. As I told him, I'm not interested in someone who sees a family barbecue as a cultural experience or who cringes at the thought of going to Oakland (which has only 4% more Black people than Whites anyway, but I digress). Not all White people/White women are like this, but more often than not, the White girls I've known who are interested in dating Black guys (especially when they date them nearly-exclusively) like to keep themselves on the "edge", as if they want the man (and the "perks" of a Black dude) but no part of where he comes from. I've seen this happen to the point that it was uncomfortable for all involved, notably when a guy I knew in college brought a "date" (they weren't in a relationship--she seemed to be the token White girl for all of the guys in their group of friends) to an event put on by the multicultural student association and preceded to ignore her (he neither introduced her nor spoke to her) for the duration of the event. But I digress. :-) The point is, if Z were trying to hard to "act Black" or had some kind of WTF moment every time someone offered him some ~~greens~~ catfish (he actually doesn't like greens), my family and friends would've been all over that. My mom even insinuated that she likes Z better than my last serious boyfriend (who was Black) in part because he's more "open" and "knows how to speak to people".

I'm sure each of these tests could be broken down into sub-tests, and it would be interesting to hear of anyone who's experienced the reverse scenario (being tested by non-Black people/people of your partner's race. I'm also interested in the overlaps and distinctions between racial, religious, and class-based tests. (We come from the same economic class, and no one in his immediate family is super-religious, so me not being Jewish isn't the issue it could be, except maybe for his 89-year-old grandma who lives in Florida). Do you notice this in your relationships (interracial, romantic or otherwise)?

Sunday Riddle

2011-01-30T18:20:00.000-06:00

I am a big fan of logic puzzles--as a kid I would troll the bookstores for "whodunits" (unfortunately, they're still hard to find), and I love those 60-second riddles with a clever twist. Coincidentally, I came up with one of my own last night when I was hanging out at Z's house after we got back from a birthday party. I tried it out with him first (to work out any wording kinks)--can you solve it? :-)

Mr. and Mrs. Truvia have made an appointment with a counselor because they are having a persistent problem in their marriage. "What's this all about?" asks the counselor. "Well," says Mrs. Truvia, "we are having a problem every night when we go to bed. I like to sleep on the left side of the bed, facing left, and he likes to sleep on the right side of the bed facing right. But every night, we end up on top of one another, and it's not working!" The counselor looks puzzled for a moment, then he smiles. Within 5 minutes, he's solved the Truvia's problem, and he sends the couple off satisfied.

1) How is this "problem" (ending up on the same side of the bed) possible?

2) What did the counselor suggest?

*Note: The bed is big enough for 2 people to sleep in it without touching--it's not a twin.

Visibility

2011-01-24T21:56:00.000-06:00

When Zek and I go out, we are so visible. Our relationship is old news now, yet I still can't get over how noticeable the two of us are together. People look, and look...and look, and I can't help feeling like we're on display at the zoo. It would probably be more interesting if I could say that I had to catch people looking, almost like a game. But more often than not, people just gape with wild abandon. Sometimes I wonder what they're thinking--the facial expressions don't usually give anything away, but it must not be too bad, since they don't really frown or say anything. But having been raised to not look at strangers in the face (I've perfected the "off-center gaze" while walking in the city), I'm a little surprised by how blatant people are. What would they do if we waved? Or stuck our tongues out? (Maybe we'll try it sometime.)

Z and I went out to a bar on Saturday night, and I had fun with the fact that people couldn't figure out that we came together. Once again, we were on display, and it tickled me that guys thought he was (successfully) coming on to me while other women were wondering why I was hogging him on the dance floor. (One guy even gave Z the thumbs up behind my back--I wonder what that meant?) I even joked about it at the bar--all of those people who thought I was whispering something R-rated in his ear didn't know that I was laughing at their reactions.

Even though Z and I notice people noticing us, it doesn't affect our behavior, and that might (ironically) be why they stare in the first place. I've mentioned before that he's very affectionate (but not obscene with it, of course), and people seem to expect differently. Maybe they are used to interracial couples acting like they don't know one another (which is a funny cliché, but sad when you watch it happen in real life), or they're surprised that we are so comfortable together (because we're supposed to be waiting for people to throw rocks at us, naturally). I guess we have no choice but to stay in the limelight, at least until San Francisco gets tired of us. :-)

High School and the Internet

2011-01-20T13:19:00.000-06:00

People always say that life is just high school on replay, complete with cliques, catfights, and silly love triangles. For me, high school wasn't like that, and my adult life certainly isn't like that (I'm too boring to have much life drama :-P). But if anything is like this mythical (stereotypical?) high school, I would say it's the Internet.

Why? A few reasons:

1. A big part of high school is finding your "place" in society, which sometimes means trying to be somebody you're not.

On the Internet you can be anybody, potentially, but there can be certain "tells" that give your true character away. Many people slip into the same slots they would've been assigned in high school:

The popular group--bloggers with lots of followers/very active commenters or posters who are considered "likeable" and tend to have insightful/funny/interesting comments. These are the kind of people you like to have come to your blog, and if they don't already, you wish they would start blogging.

The wannabes--ironically, the ones most likely to perpetuate the high school Internet mentality, they talk a big game with nothing to back it up. I've noticed wannabes tend to be frustrated with their relationship prospects (or lack thereof) and will passive-aggressively lash out at strangers on the Internet as if they are the reason they're single.

The two-faced--pretty self-explanatory, and they generally missed the memo that it wasn't cute in high school either. It's kind of unfortunate when the two-faced person is a woman trying to curry favor with men, because it usually backfires (though really, how much attention can you expect from people you don't know?).

The emo kids--insistent on working out all of their personal issues online. Emo kids crack me up in real life, but online it's just kind of weird. How did a conversation about relationship quirks turn into a diatribe about how you can't find a good Black man?

2. High school fosters a "small picture" mentality that you (hopefully) realize is unrealistic by the time you graduate.

Blogs that operate like this are usually ones I don't frequent, but I admit I have been baffled on occasion by people who treat blogs like "The Sims". They literally act like time stops when people aren't posting or commenting, as if life doesn't exist outside of a computer screen. It can also be creepy when people you don't know expect you to explain your absence from an Internet discussion--last time I checked, it's called a job. I like blogs that foster a community feel, but I'm not interested in joining a cult.

The small-picture can also be thought of in terms of valuing others' opinions. Per some, I should care what they think about my weight, my relationship, and the fact that I hate watermelon. I don't care about strangers' personal lives (unless they bring it into the discussion), so I'm kind of surprised some people care so much about mine. Anyone breaking up over some Internet mess probably shouldn't be in a relationship.

3. High school is an artificial environment.

As someone who didn't have a "stereotypical" high school experience, I think the idea of high school as a self-perpetuating role play is an interesting one. In part, it's constructed by the physical/political confines (one or more buildings, eight hours/five days a week). Yet it's also constructed by the choices we make--we can choose to lay low, display false bravado, etc. My boyfriend says there's something about the Internet that makes people assholes, and I would agree that the anonymity and impersonality can bring out the worst in people who don't have outlets (sans consequences) for that behavior in real life. If there's any way to "beat the game", it's to recognize the artifice and not be fooled by it. But maybe that's easier said than done.

Feel free to add to this list of Internet/high school comparisons. As I mentioned, my online experience isn't like this (regularly, if I find a blog that's too "high school" I tend to avoid it), and I'm doubtful I'll ever be interested in returning to high school (online or otherwise). But it does make for some interesting analysis and conversation. :-)

Ex Etiquette

2011-01-15T13:35:00.000-06:00

How ironic that the first text I received from my mom when I landed in SF with my current boyfriend was about running into an old boyfriend. My mom and sisters ran into a guy I used to date and his girlfriend at the mall, and my mom wanted to share what struck her as an odd occurrence (plus she likes to gossip :-P). When they saw my ex (let's call him Joe), he stopped and hugged them, they chatted and laughed--it sounded like a nice reunion, except for the fact that Joe did not introduce/acknowledge/include his girlfriend in the conversation at all.

That's a pretty big no-no already, but let me flesh it out with some background (that makes it worse, according to some). Joe and I dated a year-and-a-half, through senior year of high school and freshman year of college. I was his first girlfriend, so he was definitely a bit green, but like many people he got "caught up" in the hype of college (we went to schools in different states). When we broke up, I told him I wasn't interested in staying friends (I'll get to that in a minute), but that didn't stop him from looking for excuses to contact me and ask my friends about what I was doing. Note that he broke up with me (citing the "caught up" excuse), but he showed an undue interest in me all the way up until Thanksgiving 2009, a month before I started dating my current boyfriend and, most likely, right around the time he started dating his girlfriend. (We broke up in April 2008, so that's 19 months, in case you were wondering.)

That's not all. :-P I do keep in touch with his parents, specifically his mom. (He only has one sibling who is significantly older, so I was able to get to know his mom and dad better than he knew my family.) We call, email, and text occasionally, plus his parents are friends with mine--they came to my mom's birthday party and to my mom's graduation party, and they plan to vacation together sometime this year. The reason I didn't want to stay friends with him was because a) I could tell he was trying to set up some kind of "tap back" situation for the future, b) we met and started dating within only a few months in high school, so we hadn't really had true friendship to start, and c) I generally don't like to remain friends with exes. But I was nice; when I ran into him I'd ask about school and his parents, so there's definitely no bad blood. And I don't think there's anything trifling behind what happened, it's just really rude and has potential to cause problems down the line. When I told my boyfriend what my mom said (Note to Zek: Now you can stop asking me all of these questions about the past! :-P), I mentioned that I'd be pretty upset if we ran into an ex-girlfriend's parents and he was acting super-chummy, yet didn't feel it necessary to introduce me. (I can think of a similar instance when I did get mad, but that's another story.) So I'm adding "not introducing your SO to people you run into from your past" to the Ex Etiquette list, right under " calling more than you did when you were together is a bad idea." Have you ever had any awkward ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend encounters?

Out of the Loop...

2011-01-11T16:55:00.000-06:00

I don't have any recent pictures of us--this is Thanksgiving '09

That's how I feel because my (otherwise wonderful) cousin neglected to mention that she and her friends write a hair blog! She deigned to inform me last night, so not I will shamelessly promote her and her friends. :-)

Presenting: Gettin' It Together!

My cousin is Queen B--she doesn't have many posts up there yet because she's "lazy" (her word, not mine). But I'll cut her some slack because she's a pre-med sophomore. :-) I actually know 2 of the other girls as well: I met Lady K at Thanksgiving since my cousin invited her home for the holiday, and Miss J went to high school with her. All four ladies attend the same university, and I think it's great that they all have different hairstyles. Anyway, you should definitely check it out. :-)

Growing Apart

2011-01-08T18:49:00.000-06:00

Since my alma mater (I've been waiting to say that!) lets out for winter break relatively late, I had less than 2 weeks between finishing school and moving to tie up loose ends back home. I tried to get together with friends when I could, but between my graduation party and Christmas, I could only do so much. On one of those busy days, I was talking to my mom about how I wasn't too upset about not seeing some friends because I felt like our relationship hadn't really grown during college. By that I mean it seemed like our relationship was better suited for high school, and our interests and goals haven't really converged since then. My mom said that we'd probably just grown apart, and with most of us already graduated from college/graduating within the next year, we're all going our separate ways (physically and emotionally).

I think my mom had a pretty good point, and in my experience, this tends to happen cycles. I've had friend transitions before, after graduating 8th grade (I went to Catholic school, 90% of my classmates went to the public school near my house), after graduating high school (I went to college out of state) and now that I've moved 2000 miles away. Each time has been a bit different, for both personal and logistical reasons. When I was in 8th grade, kids didn't have cell phones and AIM was not too popular, so most people didn't have a way of keeping in touch. In college, there was Facebook, but different school breaks/obligations could make things difficult. Currently, distance plus the fact that my friends and I are all trying to establish careers and graduate school paths makes it financially imprudent to jet all over the country.

On the personal side, there are a million reasons, but there is a recurring theme as I think back. Frankly, I get tired of hearing the same "issues" repeatedly. Since I tend to handle things logically and not emotionally, I'm not good at listening to the same relationship drama with the same guy for years on end. I prefer to just move on from bad situations and learn from them, and I don't have time to exert energy on the stuff that stopped being cute in high school (it wasn't even cute then; we just thought it was). I also like to put things in perspective on a long-term scale, since I have blueprints for the future that influence the decisions I make right now. So I just don't get all that worked up about the people I couldn't stand in college/high school--I never have to see them again, so it works out for everyone.

One time, someone asked me how I could handle growing apart so calmly. I told him I just see it as a part of life, neither bad nor good. Some relationships end deliberately on bad terms, while others just kind of drift away, but either way, I try to appreciate it for what it was. Sometimes, I run into old friends and we have a good time catching up. Other times, I see someone I'm not really interested in associating it, give a nod, and keep it moving. C'est la vie.

**I'm beginning to realize that much of my philosophy on friendship comes out of my dislike for being smothered. My friends are people I like to talk to and hang out with, and I like to do that without all of the arbitrary obligations that are attached to "friendship" these days (specifically, friendships between females in their teens/early adulthood). How do you deal with "growing apart"? Do you think it's a case of convenience (e.g., distance) or a case of differing wants/goals?

How Do You Know When to Leave a Blog?

2011-01-05T23:23:00.000-06:00

Of course, the other half of this question is how you know when to follow/keep reading a blog, but that didn't make for a catchy title. :-) I've noticed that I tend to stop following/reading blogs for 3 reasons:

1. The content/style no longer interests me.

I've stumbled upon most of the blogs I read by accident--I'm a fan of clicking others' names and checking out their blogs, and if a few of the posts catch my interest I'll come back after a few days. But blogs, like people, change, and sometimes I lose interest in the available topics. Plus some blogs are too pessimistic, too misinformed, and/or too myopic for me. I can't tolerate Debbie (or Darryl) Downers, emo blogs, or bloggers that think their corner of the Internet is the end-all, be-all of life. Blogs that are extremely self-important crack me up, but I tend to avoid them, since I'd rather expend that energy on something tangible.

2. Commenters have too much control.

Comments are a great part of any blog, but my primary reason for reading is to hear what the author has to say. When it starts to seem like commenters are shaping the blog more than the author is, I tend to make myself scarce. This is especially true for blogs in which there is a lot of debate--your blogspace is a reflection on you, so if you let a lot of racist/sexist/homophobic stuff fly, it appears you condone that type of speech. I'm over the passive-aggressive "free speech" defense. On the other hand, I'm also not a fan of bloggers who try to dictate the content of their comments (I'm not talking about moderation)--if you only want people to say what you're thinking, just don't allow comments. Whining that people don't care to talk about what interests you is childish.

3. Too many videos/poor spelling.

I saved the shallow reasons for last. :-) For some reason, I've never been able to get into watching videos online. 9.5 times out of 10, if a blogger posts a video with commentary, I'll read the commentary but I won't watch the video--I guess I don't have the attention span. So if a blog is all videos with just one line description, I probably won't stick around for long. (I'm probably going to have to suck it up and watch some hair tutorials eventually, but so far I've resisted the Youtube craze.) Plus, I hate bad grammer and mispellings, so I avoid blogs that are rife with errors (yes, that was intentional :-P). I'm a spelling/grammar snob, so when it crosses the line from the occasional typo to evidence that you really missed out in 4th grade, I just can't do it (makes my eyes hurt).

My reasons for following blogs are a lot more positive, though it can get overwhelming when you follow a bunch. (My boyfriend has a list of almost 50, it seems, some of which are really...trite.) I notice I tend to like blogs that lean toward the light and fluffy side, though I do like more serious content when the analysis is on point (and not just a regurgitation of someone else's ideas).

What reasons do you have for leaving a blog? How important is it to you that your beliefs/desires/etc. (relevant to the topic) match up with those of the blog owner? Do you prefer light and fluffy, debate, or neither?

Going, Going, Gone!

2011-01-02T18:11:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, I moved into my first apartment! For me, this is my first "grown-up" move, since I lived in the dorms while in college and I only went to school an hour-and-a-half away, so I am excited to be an official Bay Area resident. But let's back-up a bit...

We went out for our anniversary last Wednesday (nothing too fancy; we're poor college kids :-P)

1. The boyfriend and I flew in Thursday, and the airport was crazy! I guess everyone stole our idea to snag a cheap flight right before New Year's Eve. Oddly, security was a breeze, but our flight ended up super-delayed because of an issue with loading the luggage. We ended up getting off of the plane and hopping right on our connecting flight in Denver. That flight was so rough, and I was in a lot of pain during the descent. (I had a lot of ear infections as a kid, so my ears are pretty sensitive to air pressure changes, but I've learned to grimace and bear it.) We did make it safe and sound and only 10 minutes late, so it was no big deal, though my stomach paid for it later after I ate a shrimp burrito. :-/

2. NYE was pretty fun--we went to the house of one of my boyfriend's former coworkers (who only lives about 10 blocks from me, coincidentally). It was weird to call my house and wish my family "happy new year" two hours early, and by the time I called my friend in New York I had already missed the East Coast ball drop. From what I remember, some kind of jungle juice was offered at the party, and I got into some weird conversation with my boyfriend's coworker about how he didn't realize he wasn't Black (according to some) until he was a teenager (his mom's White, dad's Black, and he was raised by his Black grandparents) and how his roommates don't understand whoopings as a disciplinary strategy. I also remember everyone jumping up to dance to Mystikal's "Shake Ya Ass", which had me cracking up. We actually didn't stay out that late, since ~~Zek~~ someone who shall remain nameless got very drunk and had to be driven home by me. :-)

Everyone loved my headband--ありがとう to the friend who got it for me :-)

3. I haven't made any New Year's resolutions, since I never keep them. I think my unofficial goal will be to get back into my regular workout routine--I got so busy toward the end of the semester that all exercise just went out the window. I also need to work on passing these credentialing tests--getting a California teaching certification feels like one long episode of "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?" I think the Science portion of the test (which is part of a Math/Science combined subtest) will be the most difficult, so I need to review everything I know about matter, energy, biology, ecology, evolution, astronomy, geology, meteorology, and oceanography in less than a week! I also need to study for the California History section of the test, because I know nothing (besides the Gold Rush). Did I mention there's also a section on phys. ed, music, dance, theater, and art? I have music and child development down, but I'm hoping the rest isn't too complicated, because most of my recent arts education has been in Spanish. Luckily, I only have to pass the test, so I'm going to work on some more practice tests and try to do really well in the subjects I excel in (reading, linguistics, and math), so I can afford to miss some of those dastardly science questions.

4. My move was very smooth. I live less than a minute away from a rail stop, maybe 3 minutes from the bus, and there's a strip of stores right around the corner. I'm also lucky enough to have a washer and dryer here, which means no trips to the laundromat. My roommate is a 28-year-old female who works nights, and she is really nice. I haven't actually seen her too much, which she says is typical, since she sleeps during the day, and it seems like she spends most of her free time with her boyfriend. It seems like this will be a good arrangement, since you all know I like my space. :-)

I'll try to put up some pictures soon, but I have a nasty cold so I'm too lazy to do it at the moment. I'm going to Zek's later (I cooked him dinner last night, so he offered to cook tonight), and we'll probably watch the Desperate Housewives DVD he got me for Hanukkah/Christmas. Plus there's a new episode tonight so I hope to convince him to watch it. :-)

Overall, I have a good feeling about 2011. 2010 was great, but I'm excited to become a professional woman (all of my relatives say that will end once I start paying bills :-P), and I'm looking forward to graduating. (I'm officially a graduate, but I won't cross the stage until May.) Zek and I are also hoping to take a vacation to South America as a graduation present to the both of us, so that's something else to plan for. Happy New Year, and I wish nothing but good things for all of you in 2011!

Question of the day: Should I start a second blog? I've been thinking of starting a private one so I can talk about my career and such more openly. (You all don't know how tempted I've been to blog about the school I attended for undergrad, but the stories aren't as funny without some background.) I even have some posts in mind, but I don't want to take away from this blog (my baby :-P) or be found out by some Internet creepsters. Feedback please!

Holiday, Oh Holiday, and the Best One of the Year...

2010-12-27T19:05:00.000-06:00

Am I the only one who has that commercial jingle stuck in my head? (I don't even know what it's selling.) Anyway, I have been enjoying my vacation, and since my boo's here there's been no blogging, However, I am moving to San Francisco on Thursday(!), so my next few posts will probably be more real-life oriented. I haven't packed yet, and I really need to get it together, but I'm just trying to relax (and eat) as much as I can before I leave. Other news:

Christmas was great--I love buying gifts for people, and my sisters seemed pretty happy with the gifts I gave them. I got my boyfriend a button-up from H&M and a book on Yiddish, while he got me Desperate Housewives Season 6 on DVD. The most fun gift has been "Just Dance 2" for Wii--you have to imitate the moves onscreen, and it is a real workout. I almost fell out doing a Bollywood joint number with my cousin! :-) I still have no idea what my anniversary gift is, though I know it's "homemade".

Speaking of anniversaries, we will have been together for a year on Wednesday. I almost can't believe we were able to do long-distance for 365 days, but it's been fun to reminisce about how we met. :-)

The boyfriend's asleep on my shoulder right now (his head's kind of heavy--shh! :-P), but I think he's been having a good time. He loves my grandma's food (except greens), and we've been playing a lot of Scrabble (it's what we always play over hot chocolate at our favorite coffeehouse; my family gave it to him for Christmas), even though I always beat him (yesterday I blew him away with "requiem"). I'm excited to go out with him for NYE, since last year was pretty fun (I have no idea what to wear though!).

Hope you've all had a nice holiday (or free vacation time, if you don't celebrate). California, here I come!

A Frank Discussion about Cheating

2010-12-20T22:41:00.000-06:00

That's what my boyfriend and I had after I told him about this crazy book I read. It was an "other woman" nightmare, but the situation that lead to the cheating was so realistic I couldn't put the book down until I finished it (at 3AM on a school night). I could really empathize with what the wife was going through, and the husband reminded me of my boyfriend (before the cheating part, obviously).

The thing is, we didn't exactly have a conversation about cheating, we had a conversation about whether couples should have a conversation about cheating, and if the answer is yes, what they should talk about. This topic came up because the husband was ultimately tempted by an ex-lover, and I think the author did a great job of giving subtle clues to the reader about all of the unspoken history the husband and wife had that added fuel to the fire. (I'm spoiling the book, but if you want to read it, click here.)

As to the issue of talking about cheating, I say yes. I don't think full disclosure is always appropriate (if it happened in the past but has the potential to hurt feelings, best to keep it to yourself), but too many people stick with "S/he would never cheat on me" and then get caught by surprise when it happens. I don't think the conversation even has to be a defensive one--it can be interesting (or even shocking) to find out how your views on what's OK can differ from those of your partner.

Example: My boo, bless his heart, loves to see the good in everyone. I'm way more cynical, so we balance each other out. :-) I don't like to keep in touch with exes (not my thing), while he doesn't have a problem with it (granted, none of his relationships before me were very serious). For us, it's not a conflict (unfortunately for him, some of those exes were put off by the fact that he talks about me so much and dropped the "friendship" rather quickly), but it could be one if there were outsiders who got too close. On the other hand, I keep in touch with an ex-boyfriend's parents (I spent a lot of time at their house when we were dating, and our parents are still friends) on a regular basis, even though I don't keep in touch with the ex. Again, it's kind of important to disclose that sort of thing so my boyfriend isn't left in the dark.

I could go on--we both have some funny opinions on handling one-on-one meals, the workplace, technology, parties, and other avenues to cheating--but I think you get the point. I like that we can talk about this kind of thing without feeling pressure; neither of us think the other person is a potential cheater, and that book really got me thinking. My boyfriend will vouch for the fact that as soon as I read something, I will not stop talking about it (even more so than usual). :-)

Graduation and More

2010-12-19T14:41:00.001-06:00

Update: Camera found, pics added!

So I am officially a college graduate, and I am so glad to be done with tests, papers, and cafeteria food! This weekend was busy, since my family threw me a graduation party last night, plus I had to run out and get one last Christmas/Hanukkah gift for my boyfriend. I had a really good time at the party (and had more than a little bit of wine); now I have to get everything ready for my boyfriend to come in town later this week and start thinking about packing since I am moving on the 30th. :-)

In other news, my halfro (TM) is now officially an afro! I got my last relaxer on Feb 17, 2010, and had the rest of the it cut out exactly 10 months later (this past Friday). I was really excited (especially about not having to do anymore braid/twistouts--I've gotten lazy :-P), but my TWA isn't really that teeny. I wish I had taken pictures during the process--my cousin blew out my hair to make sure she got the relaxer out of that troublesome middle section--and my fro was huge! But I do have a picture of my twistout (my friend was nice enough to put them in) from the party last night. I've learned that big chops (when you aren't cutting all of your hair off) are troublesome, because there are a few stubborn straight pieces that just won't die, so I've been snipping them as I see them. When I find my camera (I misplaced it between last night and this morning), I promise to add some pictures to this post. Other things I've learned:

Me with my cousin, aka, "Nappy Twin"

Me and my graduation cake

1. If you want to do a long-term transition, make sure you grow your hair to a length you're comfortable with. So many women cut their hair and then constantly focus on the future (where their hair will be in 6 months, a year, etc.), and that takes the fun out of it.

2. If you adhere to number 1, shrinkage isn't really that bad. I am wearing a wash-and-go today, and I am liking this as a staple style at this length. It's so easy!

3. I suck at hair typing (and that's okay). My hair is a bunch of coils that "lay down" easier in the front, and who knows what's going on at the back of my head. It also fights cloth headbands (I tried to put on one of the thin wraparound kinds and my hair rolled right over it) and feels super-soft (yes, I'm on my way to being one of those 'hand-in-fro' girls). I'm not really worried about the "type" at this point; going with the flow has worked well (for 2 days :-P).

4. People in my family like afros (who knew?). Few women in my family have natural hair, but they were all gushing over it, and my sister said, "Keep it just like that!" I'll admit to being pleasantly surprised--if you know how Chicago Black folks are about hair, you understand why. My boyfriend still hasn't seen it yet (he'll probably see it for the first time here), but he said he was "excited". :-)

As I joked to my cousin on Friday, the relaxer shackles are finally off! Pictures coming ASAP!

Today!

Are You in a Relationship for the "Right Reasons"?

2010-12-15T16:41:00.001-06:00

A sentiment I commonly read about online regarding interracial relationships is doubt as to whether the people involved are in the relationship for "the right reasons" or not. The wrong reasons tend to be variations of "White is right", while the "right" reasons tend to go unstated, but my guess would be those reasons include love, compatibility, and all that good stuff. Once again, the question is, doesn't getting into a relationship for the wrong reasons apply to all kinds of relationships?

Let's get real: who among us hasn't dated, gone out with, or started a relationship with people for reasons they probably wouldn't want to know about? I've gone on my share of pity dates, though at the time I was deluding myself into thinking I was doing the guys a favor and not hurting their feelings. I've also gone out with a guy because I was bored (and I'm pretty sure he knew it)--such is life. I've never been in a relationship for the "wrong reasons", but I certainly have friends/acquaintances who've stayed in relationships just so they wouldn't have to be alone. A few girls I know are so desperate to get the M.R.S. that they've latched on to the first scrub who paid them some attention, and in one disturbing instance, I knew a guy who stayed with abusive boyfriend out of an irrational hope that things would work themselves out. On a lighter note, I know a few people (no names) who stick around in crappy relationships for the...physical benefits.

The more-dangerous examples pale in comparison to the superficial reasons we all hold on to, but it's time to lose the self-righteousness. People in IR (or LGBT--don't get me started) shouldn't be held to some higher standard for something that has more to do with an individual personality than the relationship itself. I know more Black women than I can count in relationships with Black men for the wrong reasons; should I conclude that the relationships Black women get into are fundamentally flawed? Logical fail.

Have you ever known people who get indignant about others' relationship choices without applying the same standard to their own checkered pasts? Feel free to call them out. :-P

A Last-Week-of-School Treat

2010-12-12T23:19:00.000-06:00

Confession: I want to marry Adrien Brody.

Now don't get me wrong, I love my boo, but a girl can dream, right? I'm taking a break from not-studying (because really, what's the point?) to enjoy some late-night eye candy. :-)

As usual, I'm a sucker for a chiseled jawline.

I promise I didn't search for a shirtless pic--it just popped up!

His hair looks great in this picture, and the man knows how to work the all-black look.

The Classroom Contest

2010-12-11T13:09:00.000-06:00

For someone who's always been one of the "smart kids", I admit I do get tired of other smart people at times. Too often, I believe, normal conversations get turned into pissing contests, with everyone trying to one-up one another. The irony is that the academic culture at my school doesn't foster very much intellectual discussion. In fact, I'm on the executive board for a new program at school designed to get students to talk about viewpoints, research, projects, etc., outside of the classroom, since there have been complaints that our student body isn't prepared to go out into the world and talk about global perspectives and such.

I don't think our student body is anti-intellectual; quite the opposite, in fact. But I do think we've been conditioned (by virtue of being the designated "smart kids" until college, where everyone's "smart") to view intelligence as the ends, not the means. It's all about grades, transcripts, GPAs--basically showing that you're smarter than everyone else. The idea of using intelligence to learn something new is laughable, probably because it would first require you to admit that you don't know everything.

I remember an interesting conversation we had in my AP Psychology class senior year of high school. The topic was designer babies and the moral/psychological issues involved when parents want to dictate their child's eye color, etc. One of my classmates said that he wouldn't be as interested in picking physical characteristics as he would be in engineering genes for higher IQ. I raised my hand and said I disagreed, because there would be increased pressure to abort/cast off children with special needs, and it would be disturbing to give so much weight to a concept that is still questionable with regards to its validity.

My classmate was mortified (Backstory: I had known this guy since kindergarten, and he'd always been obsessed with being the smartest, so much so that when he finally had a teacher that challenged him to think outside the box (in 5th grade) he transferred school districts. And it didn't help that he'd had a crush on me for the longest time and would always act awkward when we ran into one another), and he fell all over himself backtracking his statements (he basically apologized). I told him it made no difference to me, since I wasn't planning on having any kids by him, but that his comments did lead me to make a point about our understanding of intelligence. I said that it's not normal for one to be outstanding in everything, but our grading system reflects a strict division between "smart" (Honors classes in every subject) and "average" (A classes in every subject). Isn't it more likely that some people excel in Math, some in Science, others in Reading or Writing? I shocked at least a few people in the class when I mentioned the forbidden phrase: grade inflation, but I know I also made some of them think how all of us had been psychologically conditioned to apply our "smart" label across the board, rather than specializing in our individual talents.

Since I plan to go into education, I'm sure I'll be thinking about these classroom contests a lot more in the future. All of my friends swear I'll be a tough teacher (Mr. Ratburn, anyone?), and I'm inclined to believe them (they know I hate pseudo-intellectual babble and can use a red pen with a viciousness :-P). Hopefully I can inspire (or frighten) my students into viewing their education as a journey, not a zero-sum game.

More Holiday Cuteness

2010-12-07T16:19:00.000-06:00

Is he trying to eat my face?

I don't remember why we wanted to do these weird formations.

Asian fusion birthday wall (+100 if you can spot us).

Ankhesen to the Rescue

2010-12-04T22:05:00.000-06:00

She said it way better than I could...I've shared a few excerpts below (in italics; my comments are in bold), but you should head over there to read the whole thing/comment. A good discussion has already started. :-)

So I'm chatting with a black female coworker and friend of mine, and she's talking about a former coworker of hers who's recently moved to a city where there's "so many black people!!!!!" (he's a white guy). And since he's been unlucky in love lately (white women), he's decided that he'll just "go that way"...i.e., start dating black women.

Him: "There's so many of them here, I guess I'll just go that way then."

Hmm, I pity the fool who would approach me (or any of you) like that. I know I'm a catch, and anyone who doesn't know better ask somebody (TM my stepmother :-P). This goes back to the whole "Plan B" conversation we had a few months ago, with the added irony that this guy is probably in the "last pick" category himself. I don't understand why mediocre people always want to get picky.

We're not a substitute for women. We are women. When you date a black woman, you're doing just that - dating a woman. Where dates, gifts, terms of endearments, respect and overall treatment are concerned, she has many of the same expectations as other women.

The boyfriend brought this up in his guest post. It seems like common sense, but my guess is that the guys who don't understand this see Black women as a step down and thus, worth less effort. Again, these guys tend to be the crappy ones (talk about cognitive dissonance), but they can also be the types who think they're God's gift to women, and thus a BW should be doubly grateful.

It's not a black woman's job to educate her white significant other about race. They should already be doing that on their own, and they need to have the fortitude to deal with the inevitable. If your family hates black people, it's your job to straighten them out before they ever meet a black woman you date. Do not subject her to an "ambush", and if your family is racist towards her in anyway, never take their side.

I sometimes wonder what White people from racist families who date Black people expect to happen. Will you just shield your partner from your relatives at all costs? Pretend like you thought they wouldn't care? And I don't buy the whole "once the kids come, they won't care" mess. They'll probably scar them for life trying to erase their Blackness.

Black women have a saying: the more white guys a black woman dates, the fewer white female friends she has. Literally, white guys, the number steadily decreases over time.

White women don't like it; they don't "trust" black women who date white men.

IMO, two things are at play here. 1) Many White people prefer Black people they can feel superior to--that's why they love mission trips to Africa and volunteering in the 'hood, but balk at the Black kids sitting next to them in a college classroom or at having a Black boss who doesn't treat them with deference. 2) It's often unacceptable for a Black person to be unapologetically better than a White person at something. She can just be doing her thing, and she'll still get accused of being "uppity" or "arrogant". So a BW who not only has White men coming after her but is also unfazed by it (as if she expected the attention) gets put on the bad list.

You can read the rest here, and be sure to leave a comment!

Thanksgiving Update (Finally!)

2010-12-02T21:59:00.000-06:00

December has come in with a bang. I have two weeks left until I'm officially a graduate, and I am swamped with meetings, tutoring, work, lunches...the list goes on. Ironically, homework is the least of my worries, since I turned in an 8-page essay today and have just one 12-page paper left in my undergrad career. In the meantime, I'm private tutoring a third student in Math (to make some extra cash for the move), planning two parties (one for the volunteer program I run, one for the club I run), writing thank-you notes for particularly influential friends/profs/staff members, performing and stage-managing a gospel concert (I play the flute), and working on a presentation on a 16th-century transvestite nun. On top of all that, I need to pack up my room and a million and one people want to have breakfast/lunch/dinner/coffee with me before I graduate. So I apologize for going over a week without blogging. :-)

In other news, Thanksgiving + birthday was fun. Unsurprisingly, my boyfriend did all this boasting about braving the winter weather before he got to my house--then he whined like a baby when he actually had to walk around outside. (It didn't help that he arrived just in time for the first almost-flurries of the season.) I don't mind cold weather, having been born and raised in it, plus I was excited to pull out my winter wardrobe.

We went to my grandma's house on Thanksgiving (the picture's from my house though) and we I decided to match. My grandma took one look at me with that scarf on my head (my hair was just in a ponytail in the back) and labeled me her "flower child". The apartment was crowded--besides my family (we alone are enough people for a Quidditch team), there were our family friends, and my cousin brought two friends home with her from Wash U. The only downside was that I was sick over the holiday (I ended up losing my voice), but it was nice to have my boyfriend take care of me. (I could've done without all of the hacking, however--sorry for the TMI.) :-)

My family was also nice enough to throw me a mini birthday party, complete with Obama's favorite pizza and a marble cake. My nephew (who's almost 12) was so excited to get to hang out with my boyfriend, because he can never convince any of us to play video games with him, and since they were in the basement I convinced them to drag out our Christmas tree so we could put it together. I should mention that I can be super-anal about the tree: as a kid, I made my sisters sort all of the ornaments by color and then each choose one to make sure the ornaments were evenly distributed. Well this year the bums (except one) didn't want to help, so I did most of the work, while some people sat around talking about supervising. :-P It was still fun though, and they eventually ended up wanting to help, so I mostly avoided having to fluff and separate the branches.

My boyfriend's gift to me (besides the massage I got last month) was dinner at the place of my choice. I wanted to try this new Asian fusion restaurant (I was having a craving for some shrimp pad thai) and it was really good. Our waitress was so sweet--she and the other waitresses came out singing "Happy Birthday" and beating a little wooden drum, and they gave me a free piece of mango cheesecake and took my picture for their giant birthday wall. (When the boyfriend uploads the pictures from his camera, I'll add the photo of the wall.) I don't like mangoes or cheesecake, but I didn't know what was in it before I tasted it and it was actually pretty good. The portions were huge though, so we only finished half of it and took the rest of our dinner leftovers home. When we got back, I got my mom to take a picture of us. She said it looks like it could go on a Christmas card--except my undergarments are showing slightly. I had her take 4 or 5 pictures with and without the flash to see if I could get rid of it, but then I got tired and just let it go. I still think the picture is cute though.

All in all, a very good vacation, and my last vacation as an undergrad. I'm already gearing up for Christmas and Hanukkah (which started at sundown Wednesday), and I have plenty of life stuff to blog about over the next few weeks. I'm also thinking about starting another blog that's about my post-grad life, teaching, and all that, so I will let you all know if/when that happens. :-)

Happy Holidays!

2010-11-24T21:10:00.000-06:00

I spent all day running around with the boyfriend (I finally got to say "I told you so" when he complained about the cold :-P), and I'm excited that we're going to my grandma's for dinner tomorrow. I'm sure I will have plenty of stories--my birthday is this weekend--so expect some good stuff next week. I have been publishing comments as I can--enjoy the holiday! :-)

~Jasmin

Who Are Your "People"?

2010-11-21T18:43:00.000-06:00

The other night a friend and I were having a conversation about the Myers-Briggs personality test, and she was surprised that I was labeled an introvert instead of an extrovert. I told her I too was surprised by that result when I first took the test, since I think most people would label me an extrovert--I know a lot of people, get involved in a lot of group events, etc. That being said, I still spend most of my time alone, or with one or two of the few people I consider friends, so I've concluded that I have adequate social skills (and I like to be in charge :-P) but still prefer doing my own thing most of the time. "Doing my own thing" includes being around my people, a group that includes my family (immediate plus the aunt-cousin-grandma set I'm close to), my boyfriend, and my friends (college and home). Whom do I not consider my people? People in the organization I run, my neighbors, people in my majors, women (in general), Black people (in general), minorities (in general), and Chicagoans.

Everyone (except misanthropes) probably has a set of mental lists like this, even though the content of each category is probably different. However, once you think about how the individual discrepancies (and especially those who consider you their people even though the feeling isn't mutual), you start to realize how complicated this whole "loyalties matrix" can get.

My best personal example is about Black people (in general) at my university. As I mentioned in the comments on the last post, many of the Black students come from all-White areas/schools. (By all White, I mean they were the only Black person in the entire school--seriously.) As a result, some of them are very invested in Black solidarity, probably because this is their first chance to belong to any type of Black community. The problem is that there can be a clash between them and people who weren't raised like that. (My school has a recent trend of recruiting minority students from all-White areas, which diverges from earlier recruitment efforts, but that's for another post.) I was raised in a mixed area, and the schools I attended growing up were sometimes all-Black (middle school) and sometimes not (high school, 30% students of color). As a result, the idea of a Black community that included all Black people was foreign to me as a college freshman. Both high school and middle school "Black communities" were made up of the people you liked/tolerated/got along with who happened to be Black, and I brought that attitude with me when I came to college. Disliking people who happened to be Black was nothing new, but it can be a sign of a lack of solidarity to people who are insistent on fulfilling their BC fantasies in college.

I don't really consider myself a part of my university's BC, and I'm pretty sure the leaders of that community don't consider me a part of it either, even though some of them are excessively preoccupied with my whereabouts/personal life (again, for another post). The main rule of this particular community seems to be "Come together to cosign all of the stupid sh*t people (who happen to be Black) do" (which includes failing tests/classes, missing important deadlines, and generally being lazy), and that's not really my scene. It's not surprising that the people in this community tend to only call on Black unity when they need a favor or want to complain about someone else in the group, plus I'm not interested in their eagerness to be "real Black people" (i.e., imitate all of the stereotypes they learned from BET).

My friend from the beginning of this post is from Brooklyn, and she too notices this preoccupation with "real Blackness" that some people have. I don't have the lived experience of not having significant exposure to Black people until college, and I don't begrudge them that experience, but I'm not interested in being someone's Black tutorial, and I'm not going to apologize for not thinking every Black person I know is made of win. I'm tired of people reducing personal dislike to a slam on Blackness (which makes no sense, because I'm Black too, in case you missed it), and I'm not interested in being their "people" out of convenience. I don't think this will be an unpopular opinion here, but it seems to be so elsewhere--any thoughts as to why that is?

Kiss and Tell

2010-11-18T08:12:00.000-06:00

Last week I went to a discussion on Black sexuality on my college campus. Even though this is an annual event, this was my first time going (I've always had other obligations), and my main reason for going is that my friend is an officer in the club that sponsored the event. From what I've heard, every year's pretty much the same talking points wrt homosexuality, IR relationships, dating a Black person on campus, etc. But I still went, because I knew that at the very least I'd get a laugh out of it (and I did).

The best speaker/moderator (by far) was my friend, a gay Black male who talked about being Black and gay here. However, I was horribly distracted by the cretin sitting next to me. I swear, I only see this kid every once in awhile, but every time I do, he goes out of his way to annoy me. I hate those people who have to make a comment on everything (you know, the Chris Rock wannabes), and this guy was snorting like a pig the whole time. Then, he not only crossed his leg to shift toward me (I was leaning as far away from him as possible), but he draped his arm on the back of my chair! As soon as my friend was done talking I bolted from that seat--he left shortly after, so I'm hoping he got the hint. I swear, I attract the weirdest weirdos... :-/

The next few sections weren't very productive a) because there wasn't enough moderation, which resulted in some dumb stuff/repetitiveness and b) because the questions weren't actually relevant to the dating situation on my campus.

(A) was annoying mostly because the conversation got bogged down by 10 people
essentially saying the same thing. I think some of the moderators forgot/didn't know what they were supposed to be doing, and it got boring to hear the definition of "friends with benefits" over and over again.

However, (B) was a bigger issue, and I think that's why people continually say that they leave this event "disappointed". (I was just indifferent, but I think some of the younger people had higher expectations.) Case in point: one of the hosts posed the "why are so many successful Black women single" question to the audience. It's kind of relevant that there were only 2 people over 30 in the room--a 31-year-old grad student and the (married) professor who'd given the first talk. So as soon as I heard the question, I just rolled my eyes (and of course I had to get my $.02 in). It seems pretty obvious to me, but college students have little in common with the people these studies are supposedly targeting. Most of us aren't trying to get married/have kids any time soon, and we don't have much tangible success (i.e., jobs, credit, etc.) right now either. That just seemed like such a sloppy talking point, and it didn't fit into the theme of the girl's talk anyway.

My second issue with the conversation (in general) was that people never seem to want to talk about the fact that most (meaning 99%) of the Black people I go to school with do not date each other, and no one seems to have a problem with it. I would characterize the relationship between the Black students as friendly/familial, and it's my guess that things are like that because there's not a "critical mass" of Black partners to choose from--most people eliminate athletes, people who are too old/young, etc., and by the time you get to thinking about looks/personality you're pretty much done. Every freshman year there seems to be the same pattern: people come in thinking this is going to be their chance for a "more serious" relationship, the guys (generally) make some half-hearted passes, nothing comes to fruition, and done. When I came into college I was dating a guy from high school and I remember some of the guys at the Black freshman meet-ups attacking like sharks. The thing is, if I didn't have a boyfriend, they still wouldn't have had a chance, and the two guys who tried to talk to me who I actually would've gone out with were both seniors. (Oh well, it still worked out. :-P)

Another problem with this lack of a critical mass is the assumption that once you date one Black person, you can't date any others. I don't really believe that to be true (I've seen evidence to the contrary, though it's been people in a series of hook-ups, not necessarily relationships), but people love to talk about that "one chance". I don't really think it's that serious--I think that people just aren't particularly interested in the people around them, for whatever reason.

The most bizarre parts of this conversation were the talking points that people brought up (seemingly) out of left field. First, the grad student went off on a rant about Black women being "mean" (and bossy) to Black men--that's why they date White, Asian, and Latina women. That sounded like a personal issue to me--she didn't know anyone in the room, so how would she know who's mean or not, and what does it have to do with her? I personally feel that if someone unwanted comes into your space, you can handle it how you see fit. (Example: my friend and I went to a club last night and hadn't been in there 5 seconds when some scrub grabbed my arm. I yanked it away and made him talk to the hand, complete with screeching sound. He's lucky I didn't stomp on his foot.) If she feels like that "makes it bad" for all Black women, tough.

I also got on her for the reductionist logic concerning Black men dating non-Black women. You all know I'm a Stats nerd, and I don't understand why it's so hard to recognize the role numbers play in whom you date. Availability/opportunity is everything, and I don't understand how so many Black people who chose to attend a university that's 2% Black (on a good day, and 50% of that = athletes) don't notice that. The general consensus among the girls seems to be that they are neither for nor against dating someone non-Black, they just don't think about it. The guys are harder to read, but that's partially why I laughed at her rant, because the on-campus IR relationship (involving Black people) count is 2: there's a law student who was dating a White girl for at least a few years (he was here undergrad, but I don't know if their still dating), and a guy in the gospel choir dating a Latina, also in the gospel choir. A third pairing, a friend of mine who was dating a White guy two years here junior, broke up, and that's about it. Obviously, I don't know every couple on campus, but I thought her hyperbole was laughable (dating as a grad student opens it's own can of worms), and she seemed to be making an issue of one that's not here. (What did I say about people putting their personal issues on display?)

Somehow, the conversation ended with the moderator asking me to answer a question, which I don't remember, but I do remember my answer had to do with, in part, people owning up to their personal flaws and taking care of that baggage before expecting anyone to want to be involved with them. And now I remember half of the question--he asked me why I thought people assumed that dating someone non-Black meant you didn't like Black people. I think I made a pretty good point when I said that by the same assumption, you could've said I was colorist wrt my last boyfriend, who is Black, because he's light-skinned. I also said people overly-worried about who someone else is dating are probably just insecure, but that insecurity doesn't result in anything positive in the long run. If you get dumped by your partner, would it feel better if his/her new partner was of the same race?

This post is way too long, and there's more I want to say (specifically about the talk on homosexuality and heteronormativity, which was part of the first talk on spirituality), so I guess I'll save it for another post. :-)

Email Dos and Don'ts

2010-11-15T00:59:00.000-06:00

This is the latest post I submitted to the academic blog I write for (the one prior to this was a tweaked version of this post), and I admit that it was partially borne out of my irritation with some of the (school-related) emails I receive. I think my next post (for that blog) will be on conducting a job search, writing a cover letter, or something related. My friend works for the blog and wants me to write for it after I graduate, but we'll see. Anyway, let me know what you think! (My comments--not included in the submitted post--are in italics.)

If you haven't already noticed, email and college life are like peanut butter and jelly. Over the course of your academic career, you will most likely email your professors, other students, and even potential employers (this last one is especially important). But are you email-savvy? Check out these Dos and Don'ts:

1. Do include a greeting and closing in your emails.

Writing an email in traditional letter format, even if it's brief, shows that you care enough to use common courtesy. Tone is often unclear across written communication, and you don't want to appear unnecessarily curt, so take two seconds to write an appropriate lead-in.

For some reason it bothers me when people send one- or two-word (supposedly) professional emails. It just looks like they wrote it in two seconds. Plus I think it's off-putting when someone writes you with a "Hey, can you . . ." I think it's tacky.

2. Don't send an email without checking spelling and grammar first.

This seems like a no-brainer, but you'd be surprised how many people send formal emails that contain cringe-worthy grammatical errors. A typo or two is understandable, but run-on sentences and indecipherable grammar make you look unprofessional.

Has anyone read The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time? That's what some people's emails look like (meaning, "un-revised", not "written by a boy with Asperger's"). I'm a grammar snob, and I tend to judge people by their writing, but it's just sad to see college students who don't understand the concept of a run-on sentence or correct comma usage. What do they teach kids about composition these days?

3. Do be selective about which emails you forward on (and delete superfluous information).

It can be annoying to receive a forwarded email that includes a list of the other 5000 people to whom it was previously sent. It sends a message to the recipient that you don't actually care whether the information is relevant to him and increases the likelihood that future emails you send will be automatically deleted. This Do also applies to using the "Reply" button. Chains of old information take up unnecessary space--what are the chances that the person you're communicating with forgot what she just said?

I hate this--I won't even read emails that say "Fwd:Fwd:Fwd" because it's so annoying that someone couldn't take two seconds to delete the big paragraph of the email addresses of everyone who's ever read this message. Plus it seems like a pretty obvious privacy issue--what if your email address gets passed on to some spammer? Don't get me started on people who will reply to emails you sent years ago (Gmail brings up the entire thread) without deleting any of the old information. Why would you think I need a reminder about where we had lunch six weeks ago?

4. Don't send too many emails.

In most cases, one long email is preferable to ten short ones, given that the information included is actually important. Organize your thoughts before writing, and, if you do forget something, change the subject line accordingly (e.g., "Club meeting update--location change").

Another pet peeve. It's so (unnecessarily) confusing when someone emails you a long email with some information, then another email in the thread that says, "Oh yea, I forgot . . .", then another email that adds something else, and so on. Everyone forgets, so that's not the problem; it's when people send you fifty emails in five minutes, each consisting of a sentence or two.

5. Do use consistent fonts and colors.

Light and/or brightly-colored text can be hard to read, and they distract the reader from your intended message. Pick a medium-sized font and write in a dark color (preferably black).

I must be an old grump, because I don't like this either. I find most of the bright Gmail colors hard on the eyes, and I really don't like when people change fonts/colors in the same email/paragraph (especially that red--it burns!)

6. Don't create an email signature that's longer than the actual email.

An email signature should be concise, preferably no longer than 4 lines, with only the most important information, such as your university, graduation date, major(s), and/or phone number. Avoid redundancies, like providing your email address within the signature (it's already at the top of the page!), and don't include any information that's too personal (for example, a cell phone number).

My friend and I have a joke about this, because we know a few people whose email signatures have every club they've ever belonged to, their cell numbers, major, university, study abroad program, birthdays, and so on. Again, so tacky.

7. Do check your email regularly.

Generally, you should expect to answer all emails within 24 hours. If you can't respond within that time frame, you should send a brief email explaining exactly when you will reply. Late (or non-existent) responses demonstrate carelessness, so try to avoid procrastination.

If you don't answer my email on time (and it's important), you're dead to me. Kidding! :-P It does bother me, however, that the people who demand prompt responses to their emails are often the least likely to respond on time.

Like other forms of communication, email is highly context-dependent--messages to friends don't require the precision found in emails to professors. When in doubt, err on the side of caution and maintain a professional tone. A well-crafted, engaging email can help you build rapport with a professor or even land a job after graduation. Never underestimate the power of a good first impression, even if your initial encounter takes place in cyberspace.

Details about my job search coming soon! :-)

Meet My Biggest Fan :-)

2010-11-11T16:46:00.000-06:00

Yea, that's my mom. She's pretty cool--and I'm the favorite. :-)

My younger siblings are closer to my mom (in terms of considering her a friend) because they like to be babied, and I always liked to be on my own as a kid. As a result, I never got in trouble, and I would always get to tag along to exciting places like the grocery store on Target.

My mom was super-excited to hear I got a job, and she and my older sister are already starting to plan a huge graduation party for me. But of course she's sad I'm moving so far away--I can only imagine how dramatic it's going to be when I actually leave. She brags about me (all of us really) all the time: one time she went to a department store to pay a bill and whipped out my picture to show to the guy who worked there! (She thought she was slick too--she casually asked him where he went to school, and then started talking about me. And to top it off, I was dating someone else at the time. :-P

I'll admit that I didn't really mind, because my mom has a knack for meeting attractive single men. She loves to gossip about our dentist, Dr. Cheung, and how fine he is, and I remember one time I had an orthodontist, Dr. Ankita, who she just loved. It's also funny to hear her and my aunt's stories about high school--since they still live roughly in the same area, all of their closest friends are people they've known since elementary school.

Best of all, my mom is funny (without trying to be). Never ask her my birth story--she'll start talking about how I was two weeks late, but when I finally arrived I "shot out so fast [I] almost flew off of the table!". And I cracked up at her Facebook status--she and my dad were invited to go to a friends' lake house, and they'd like to next Spring, but according to her, "...can't leave little Gangster, Kid Cuddi and Big Pimpin' (aka my 3 youngest siblings) home alone. LOL".

There's more to say--all the good things about my mom can't fit in one post--but I think you get the idea. :-)

Exciting News!

2010-11-09T12:29:00.000-06:00

I've been saving my "job hunt" post until after I had more information, but I just had to share that I got a job! Yours truly is going to be a bilingual elementary teacher!

I have lunch, then class right now, but I will update later this afternoon! :-)

Ask Amy...If You Want Crappy Advice

2010-11-08T14:17:00.000-06:00

* usually don't do two posts in the same day, but this is a special circumstance.*

It looks like "say something stupid" week is already in full swing (see previous post), and of course Amy Dickinson (of the syndicated "Ask Amy" column) just had to get in on the action.

Click here to read Monday's column--specifically the first letter.

Finished?

This letter is so full of fail I don't know where to begin. I actually felt strongly enough to email the paper. (Here's the email address; my response is below.) And now we know--when that lady in the grocery store wants to pet your hair, she's not being racist, she's engaging her "abundant curiosity". It's like a public service: Discovery Channel presents Real Life Black People. And yay for White people knowing the difference between people from China, Japan, and Korea--doesn't it just make you feel great when some random stranger dissects your racial/ethnic makeup? There are no words right now; I'm still sputtering, so I'll just post my email and open the floor.

Re: Racial query way off the mark

Dear Amy,

I disagree with your advice, more often than not, but I am especially disappointed in your response to "J" in today's (11/8/10) column. Contrary to her (and your) belief, people of color (let's be honest, she's not asking White people "what are you?") are not ethnic oddities that should be examined like specimens in a zoo. By your logic, should I override political correctness and express "abundant curiosity" about others' weight, sex lives, or diet habits? Most of all, I feel sorry for J's daughter--how humiliating to be reminded constantly of your "other" status by your own mother. I would suggest that you--and J--do some research on transracial/transnational adoptions and minority racial identity before harassing innocent people with your misguided "curiosity".

Update: Amy responded--and failed again. She pointed out these two lines (which aren't in the version I read in the paper:

Charging up to a person at the supermarket and saying, "Hi — just curious. Are you a combo?" is obnoxious.
So is saying, "I bet I can guess your race! No, really — I'm very good at this!"

And then threw in the classic "my best friend (in her case, adopted kids) is a POC!" defense. [insert major eye roll]

I sent back another email, and now I'm about to go to work, but I'll keep you all updated.

Amy,

I'm sorry that common decency doesn't trump "abundant curiosity" for you--I maintain that phrase is problematic in the context of J's question. It's no one's business what race/ethnic makeup a stranger is (funny how you only seem to believe that when it comes to your life), and given your previous columns you would say the same thing about asking about someone's sex life or weight. Why isn't race/ethnic background given the same privacy status?
The answer you printed below is not what was published in today's Chicago Tribune. I threw away the newspaper, but I believe this:
Charging up to a person at the supermarket and saying, "Hi — just curious. Are you a combo?" is obnoxious.
So is saying, "I bet I can guess your race! No, really — I'm very good at this!"

was omitted. If you have a problem with that, you should probably take it up with the editors for misrepresenting you. I still maintain that "abundant curiosity" is no excuse for othering people you don't know, and I disagree that one has to "politely" stop harassment (because that's what it is).

And you can lose the attitude--your "Well-intentioned White Liberal" defensiveness has been done to death. Having a "POC best friend" (or child, or partner) doesn't make you an expert on racial identification, and now you really might want to think about picking up a book. (I didn't ask about your children--don't care--so why you decided to make it "my business" is beyond me.)

Even an advice columnist can give bad advice, and when you do, the most productive thing to do is to consult someone more knowledgeable and fix it, not sit around and pout in a cloud of self-righteous indignation.

Self-Hate is Like a Booger Hanging Out of Your Nose

2010-11-08T08:40:00.000-06:00

...mostly because it's so blatantly obvious, yet others (well, me at least) feel uncomfortable pointing it out to you. One thing I've learned over the past few months is that self-hate is a lot more nuanced than the stereotypical "I hate Black people!" Black person. (Is it any surprise that my increase in awareness is correlated with more active participation online?) Since that extreme is the benchmark for self-hate, it seems that some people feel free to express less-extreme attitudes that are nonetheless pretty obviously disdainful. It's not even all-out vitriol, but more like...contempt for things that are "too Black". For example:

You can be brown, but not too brown.

I have plenty of pictures here, and I don't know if anyone would disagree if I called myself "dark-skinned". So why do people say negative things about dark-skinned women as if they aren't talking about me? Someone suggested to me once that I wasn't "dark enough" to experience the negative effects of that end of the colorism scale, which does bear out in research, but I'm still skeptical given that so many people are still on that "you so dark" crap (most just phrase it differently than young kids do).

Be happy your hair is not too nappy.

I've blogged about negative reactions toward natural hair before, but my newest pet peeve are other natural heads hating on natural hair. (And now I just frustrated myself--I Googled "4b" hair and read a lovely treatise on "that kinky shit". :-/) If you are "relieved" not to have 4b/4c/4xyz hair or contribute the beautiful (read: curly, not kinky) parts of your head to non-African ancestry, then maybe you aren't as "happy to be nappy" as you think. I recognize that everyone's journey to natural hair is different, but the way some people talk, they expected matted fur to grow out of their heads. There's something sadly disturbing about natural-haired women crossing their fingers and praying for a certain type of hair.

Hurry up and have some mixed babies.

As Witchsistah put it so eloquently here, one day I hope to raise a Lenny Kravitz and not a Tiger Woods, but that's going to be impossible if I go to jail for beating someone down over this "pretty mulatto kids" crap. If you read Witchsistah's comment (the whole thread, really) you'll see how she talks about fostering high self-esteem without putting down Black people, but I'd add that an added challenge is protecting kids from being fetishized by Black people. (Yes, White people do it too, but we're not talking about them right now.) My kids will be attractive because their parents are attractive. (Haven't you seen us? :-P) Not because their hair wasn't nappy enough to not "need" a perm (seriously, wtf?), or they got their dad's light eyes (his eyes are gorgeous, but not inherently moreso than brown eyes), or because mixed-race = automatically more attractive than monoracial (let's not even go there). Anyone who feels otherwise can go [fill-in-the-blank].

Perhaps the most puzzling thread running through these examples is, as I mentioned above, that I hear them the most from people who like being Black--I would even go so far as to say some are proud to be Black. These aren't the wannabe Whites, so what exactly is going on here? I'm interested to hear what you think.

Anonymity and "Those Crazy College Kids"

2010-11-04T17:51:00.000-05:00

Note: This post is way overdue--I came up with the title (and saved it as a draft) months ago!

College student-police relations are tense everywhere, and my university is no exception. Most problems center around underage drinking, and there are debates every year as to what constitutes a fair consequence (fines vs. community service vs. an arrest). Although there are other crimes at school (mainly robbery, though too many students naively think that leaving doors/property unlocked isn't a bad idea), underage drinking is always the hot button since every year so many "good kids" get caught doing it, and there's a lot of controversy over whether punishments are applied accordingly. In addition, the beginning of the school year sets the tone for the rest of the semester, which means the cops come out with a vengeance.

Although being over 21 gives me the freedom to not worry about all of the drama, the various reactions to the threat of arrest have made me think. Since I attend a rich (last I checked, 1/3 of students have parents who make over 200K a year), predominantly White university, it's no surprise that parents and alums (aka big benefactors) aren't too pleased about Brad and Mary being thrown in the drunk tank on a Saturday night. For many, the actual experience of being in the slammer (can you tell I like my jail slang? :-P) isn't as bad as the whole "this will stay on your record for 7 years" deal. (That's how long many schools keep discipline records, which are usually compulsory for med/law/grad school admissions .) And more than a few people have turned to their parents, who've tried to negotiate with the university. After all, we're just "good kids who don't deserve to have their lives messed up by misdemeanors for a stupid law anyway". And of course there's always threatening to take away your money if that doesn't work (yea, some of our alums are a little bit too invested).

Most of my friends are younger than me, and once when we were talking about all of the hullabaloo I made a joke about how none of the Black students were feeling betrayed by the city police--they never liked us. Yes I was joking, but it's true. It's assumed that many Black students are townies, and I know from personal experience that the local police are not very nice (and that's putting it lightly). Call me a cynic, but if a bunch of Black students were getting arrested for rowdy off-campus parties, underage drinking and disturbing the peace (read, peeing on neighbors' lawns), I don't think alums would be so quick to defend "kids just trying to have some fun". And the lack of diversity at school makes disparate consequences an inevitable outcome. If a party with 30 people gets busted, everyone takes off running, and only one of those people is non-White, who do you think the Resident Assistant will remember?

I don't know if we (racial/ethnic minorities) consciously think of these things (I do, but I'm always walking around psychoanalyzing people and situations, according to my friends :-P), but it's interesting to wonder how different things are in places where your race doesn't make you stand out. I guess it's a privilege to fade into the crowd--what do you think?

Happy Halloweekend!

2010-11-01T11:23:00.000-05:00

Even though I don't have class tomorrow, I celebrated Halloween early with the rest of the student body, and I had the added bonus of having my sister come visit. (All of the pictures of the two of us are on her camera, but they're coming soon!) The Pam Grier costume didn't happen, but I ended up with 2 pretty good made-up costumes: Friday night I was a dance instructor, and Saturday I was a Barbie (I guess, that was the multiple interpretations costume).

My friend just recently turned 21, and to celebrate, we started off going to a popular off-campus bar. We were the only Black girls in there, and it took about two seconds to figure out why: every White male within a 5-mile radius (regardless of age) decided to hit on us. The gross part (as if it could get grosser) is that this was a football game weekend, so the old men who came over to talk to us were in all likelihood the dads of our fellow students (partying with their kids, no doubt). As I wrote on Facebook when I got back that night, "there are no words".

Early Saturday afternoon my sister showed up, and I gave her a tour of campus, we ate concession stand hotdogs, the works. I even took her some places I never go, like the business school (she has a Bachelors in Accountancy and an MBA). She also treated my friend and I to dinner at an awesome Mexican restaurant in town (I'd been there once before, when a professor took our class to dinner), and we went to the mall so I could (unsuccessfully) look for a pair of short, flat black boots. I teased her about trying to be "fair"--she went to visit the sister under me (who goes to an HBCU) a few weeks ago for their homecoming. She's a hardcore Delta, and from what I hear she was yelling and screaming with everyone else.

Saturday night, I found out that everyone was right: my sister is crazy. (We are also the most alike in the family.) :-) We went to another popular off-campus bar, and she was dancing up a storm (being around our other sisters and nephew has made her pretty familiar with all of the latest moves). Not only did security let her in free (he asked if she was my mom!), several guys came up to us, going on about how she was the life of the party. I'm going to make a trip home next weekend, and I it'll be funny to tell the rest of the family about how she became the most popular girl on campus overnight. :-)

After brunch, she left Sunday and I got right back into the school/homework swing. I called my mom to fill her in, and she cracked me up with her lament about how no trick-or-treaters were coming to our house. (Mind you, this call was at 3:15, and trick-or-treating was from 3-7pm in our neighborhood.) We live on the corner, and apparently some kids crossed the street to go to our neighbors' house so she ran to the door and opened it, but they didn't turn around and she was disappointed. Of course, when I texted her two hours later, she said she was ready for trick-or-treating to be over. According to her, "the last bunch smelled--either a dirty diaper or one of them farted."

Those are the highlights of the weekend. I don't have much to say about other people's costumes. Thankfully, I didn't see anyone dressed up as "Black people", and there weren't that many hoochie outfits (though the ones that were = ridiculous. I got a disgusting close-up of one girl's panties.) My friend and I thought one girl looked really cute in her Yoshi costume, but this one purple/black Playboy bunny scared the crap out of me (it reminded me of a scary bunny I saw on Arthur recently). Do any of you have any Halloween stories/pictures?

The Vacation Recap

2010-10-29T13:46:00.004-05:00

So I just got back from San Francisco, and I had a fabulous time! September was the last time I would have to go an entire month without seeing my boyfriend, and it took sooooo long, but of course he was worth the wait. :-) There's way too much to share without turning this post into a novel, so I'll pick out some of the highlights:

This is the new must-read book. Seriously, I read it on the plane and wished I could run a blog book club, because I'd love to hear your reactions to it. It's about a girl named Davie--she's a dark-skinned, natural-haired daughter of an abusive mother living in Mississippi. The kids at school calling her "Monkey Night" is just the tip of the iceberg, and she ends up running away to LA after a certain someone plays a horrible trick on her. You'll have to read to see what happens next, but I will say that it definitely doesn't follow the predictable "girl meets guy" pattern.

As usual, we did a few touristy things, including a trip to the wax museum and Ripley's Believe It or Not (Ripley's is better). We also went to the Open Mic my boyfriend hosts, and I was even able to meet up with a friend who lives out in the Bay. (I met her while interning this summer.) It's funny to watch my boyfriend in host mode; he runs all around trying to make sure everything is perfect, and I always tease him about getting there super early and waiting in nervous anticipation for people to show up. Apparently, he talks about me all of the time too--that's the first thing half the people I meet say. The last time we went (the OM is every Friday night), a group of girls walked in and the ringleader was checking for him so hard. They sat right behind me, had a conversation about "strategy", I guess, and then prepared to make a move. (It's probably important to note that the OM is pretty casual, and these girls were dressed to go out, and the men tend to outnumber women, though my boyfriend is probably they youngest regular.) After that, it was like something out of a movie: he strolls over--I can hear them suck their breath in with anticipation--and promptly gives me a kiss and sits down. I could feel their shock and disappointment, but I couldn't help snickering a little. We also met a nice interracial couple from Sweden who was on an extended vacation to the US. They were really nice and so excited to be in San Francisco. The husband even made a joke about getting around the OM "no covers" rule by singing some obscure ABBA song. :-)

Side note: I just uploaded the photos from my camera, and I am sorely disappointed. But I've already told you all how I am not photogenic--I'll make up for it over Thanksgiving. Anyway, this is the best pic I have of the two of us (actually, I stole it off of his Facebook):

We also took a trip to our favorite coffee place (though neither of us drink coffee)--it's in the Haight and they have lots of board/card games you can play. Of course I whipped him (twice!) at Scrabble, but he made up for it by smoking me at Mario Kart later that night. Apparently, I'm really bad at the OG Super Nintendo games. :-)

One of the most fun things we did was try out this new club called Double Dutch. It's really more of a bar than a club, but they did have a DJ and a dance floor, so we bought drinks, danced, and people-watched. That was another place where the men outnumbered the women--if you're looking for a man maybe SF is the place to be?

I finally got my big birthday surprise--my birthday's actually next month, but he wanted to give me the present early because he'll be coming to spend Thanksgiving with my family and he cryptically said it'd be "easier". He's been so secretive about this thing for months, and I had no idea where we were going. The biggest hint I got was that I couldn't shave my legs 24 hours before, so I was completely confused. I figured it out on the way there: we were going to a massage parlor!

The place was in Japantown, and it was incredible. (It was my first professional massage, btw.) Before the actual massage, an attendant washed my back with a citrus scrub, then I got to take a bath with green tea salts, soak with the cucumbers over the eyes, drink green tea, the works. After the bath I had a Swedish massage, which felt so good. The masseuse knew just how to work the knots in my neck, and the ambiance was perfect. At the same time, my boyfriend was getting a bath and Shiatsu package, and we both came out a bit bright-eyed. After all that, I know I'm going to have to start looking for a really great Hanukkah/Christmas present. :-)

All in all, it was a wonderful vacation--if any of you ever take a trip to the Bay Area, let me know and we will hook you up. :-) Every time I go to the city I fall a little bit more in love with the area, and it's so exciting to be this close to finally living there. (This post is already too long, so I won't go into detail about the two interviews I had while I was out there. Maybe I'll plan a post on the job hunt for the near future.)

In other news, I want to be Foxy Cleopatra for Halloween (if I end up going to a party that requires a costume). Does anyone know how to create an Afro on transitioning hair? :-)

Baby Names (aka, Why My Child Will Be Named After a Dog)

2010-10-26T21:35:00.000-05:00

I'll be honest--I've never been a huge fan of kids (especially other people's kids, which are all of them, since I have none). But when I was younger I did like reading baby name books (I was such a bookworm, I'd gladly read the encyclopedia, but I digress), and a long time ago I picked out the perfect name: Gabrielle. Never mind that I would like to have more than one kid, so one name wouldn't do, or that I'd need a middle name too--I just loved the name Gabrielle. So of course I would fall in love with a guy who had a beloved name of his own picked out--one that I don't like.

Really, I don't think there's anything wrong with the name Penelope. I've never known a Penelope in real life, but it's a cute name. I just don't want to name my child Penelope. (It doesn't help that the moist obvious nickname for Penelope is Penny, a name I refuse to use for not-very-serious personal reasons.) But my boyfriend just loves that name, and somehow he convinced me to agree to it (he must have tricked me somehow; those puppy dog eyes are a killer). The icing on the cake is that the name Penelope is already taken--by his brother (and his brother's girlfriend's) dog. She looks like this (but it's not her):

We've agreed that if we have more than one female child, the second one will be named Gabrielle (I don't want to "waste" it as a middle name, just in case), so I'm just going to call on the power of my mom, and he'll call on the power of his. Don't through a Bio book at me, I know the father determines the sex of the child, but his mom had all boys, mine had all girls, and they were both married twice (resulting in kids with 2 different men)--somehow I'm sure this is significant. :-)

Anyway, none of this matters for the time being, but lets put it to a vote--I trust the judgment of my wonderful, fantastic, good-taste-having commenters (as opposed to my traitorous friends and family members). ;-)

Penelope vs. Gabrielle?

Boy names? (We both agree that we like the name Jared, but it's hard for me to think of other good ones in case--God forbid--I have more than one male child.)

Your favorite baby names?

Criticizing and Policing the "Black Community"

2010-10-22T15:04:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago, I went to a joint club meeting between a Black women's group I'm a part of and our Black male counterpart. The topic was "Rap Videos and the Black Community" (most of the topics are discussed more in relation to our college community, not Black people in general), and although I think the leaders of the meeting had good intentions, per usual, I dissented on some critical points and walked away feeling like the "point" had been missed. I talked about it with my friends, and of course it had to make it to the blog eventually. :-)

The questions for the discussion were the ones you'd expect from the topic: what does it say about Black people when we support these images, what influence does it have on our (college) lifestyles, etc. There was one weird question about drinking to have fun that seemed out of place to me--some of the people in the room (including myself) were over 21 and therefore within their legal right to drink, and there's not much binge drinking activity among the Black students on campus, for whatever reason. So my first point of contention with these questions was the over-exaggerated "uniformity" of who "we" was supposed to be. None of the people in this room looked/talked/acted in a way that suggested they liked to imitate rap stars, nor did anyone mention that they even liked to watch music videos. I've always thought of 106th and Park as a teenage show--it doesn't seem to be popular with anyone my age, including the people I go to school with, so I wasn't sure why it was coming across as if "we" (whoever that is) run home and turn to BET everyday.

My next bone to pick was with the people who wanted to frame the discussion in terms of "what White people think". As I said then, I see people on television who can fly, but that doesn't mean I'm going to jump off the library roof tomorrow. At the school I go to (which is super-elitist), I don't know if any of the White students even know who Rocsi and Terrence are. The "in" thing for the past couple of years has been knowing the lyrics to rap songs that are already played out elsewhere, but I don't think Black students themselves (with the exception of some athletes) are viewed as "hardcore". It seems a bit immature to care about the opinions of people who want to judge you based on people who share your skin color on television, but that led me into my next point anyway:

An individual Black person has the right to do what s/he wants without worrying about being a reflection on all Black people.

Who knew that was a radical idea? I think Chris Rock has some joke about how we'll finally achieve racial equality when Black people have just as much freedom to be mediocre as White people do. The actual joke is much funnier than what I've written here, but I agree with the underlying message. Lil Wayne has as much right to make his money singing about b*tches and h*s as Eminem does; the only thing people who don't like it can do is stop listening and buying.

Now obviously I don't think the freedom to do what you want entails freedom from criticism. If I thought that, this blog probably wouldn't exist! :-P However, I draw a thin line between criticizing someone, and even saying what you think she should do, and policing her behavior by linking it to some negative outcome (in the eyes of White people) and demanding she should stop. I think that's what some call "divided and conquered"? If a non-Black person said, "Black people should stop being so ghetto; then maybe we (non-Black people) wouldn't think so badly about them," so many people would have a thing (or two or three) to put him in his place. But when a Black person says it, all of a sudden it's sage advice? :-?

I don't listen to rap music (I don't listen to much music at all, lately), I don't watch music videos, and I have no aspirations of being a video girl, but I support the rights of the people involved to make their money however they want (provided it's legal). I'm not "boycotting" anything, I'm just not interested in any of the above, so it doesn't intrude on my life--as I've learned, it's pretty easy to go years without watching a music video (I saw half of one for the first time the other day when I was getting dressed, and I was shocked by how long it had been.). Black people (let's not even get into the fact that all Black people are not created equal) have no more obligation to each other than other races--it would be nice if "we" could be the first to accept that.

A Year-and-a-Half Later, Let's Look at Some Blog Stats

2010-10-18T14:57:00.000-05:00

My boyfriend just taught me how to do this (I am a true blogger novice. I just write, which means we'll probably have a new blog layout next week--the boyfriend helped me with the current one, and I'm due for a visit. :-P), otherwise I would've shared this earlier. The interesting stuff:

1. Obsession is a bad, bad thing. The majority of pageviews (in fact 2 of the top 3 sources), come from a blog involved in recent events. Note: these stats are from May of this year until now--the hell? (I'll just leave it at that.)

2. Google has the lead in referrals by a long shot, and the most common search term is "jasmin llena". I didn't think people searched for me that often, since my blog title is so long, but I'm guessing some people who read don't have this page bookmarked/aren't following.

3. I've had a little over 6500 page views in the past 6 months, so roughly 1100 a month. I hope that doesn't count times when I come here (either on my computer or a lab computer)--I try to check often since I moderate comments.

4. Per page views, this post had almost 350 pageviews, which surprised the heck out of me because a) it's old and b) there are only 8 comments. Rereading it made me laugh though, so maybe that's why. :-)

5. The audience stats weren't very surprising: the vast majority of readers are from the US, with Serbia coming in second. *winks at Mira* The UK wasn't very far behind Serbia, and I've been trying to figure out if I have any commenters from some of the places listed. Most of them I've figured out, but Germany, Russia, Switzerland? Note: Looking at the audience for a shorter time window provides some more interesting results. Today (meaning from 1:00AM Oct. 12th until midnight on the 13th) I've had 71 pageviews, including one each from China, Greece, India, and South Africa. These lists just remind me of all the languages I still need to learn! (Unfortunately, the library didn't have "Japanese for Dummies" when I went today.)

Thinking about stats is fun, but a part of me hopes my blog doesn't become *too* popular (not sure how much popularity that is, but I'll know it when I see it). I like how the regulars here know where others are coming from, and that things don't get bogged down in some of the craziness that infiltrates other parts of the Internet. That doesn't mean I don't welcome new (or sporadic) visitors, but I enjoy having a (relatively) uneventful blog. Let's hope it stays that way.

15 Minutes of Swirl Fame

2010-10-12T20:22:00.000-05:00

Apparently, my boyfriend submitted our picture to be on this website. And here we are: check it out. :-)

Where Do You Draw the Line?

2010-10-08T13:35:00.000-05:00

When talking about relationships, it can be interesting to hear about others' perceptions of what's OK and what's not OK when it comes to boundaries. At school, people who are also in long-distance relationships tend to ask me about my own, I guess to compare what our "rules" are. In those situations, I've found more (surprising) differences than similarities, but my general rule is that you shouldn't do anything you wouldn't want your SO seeing. Here's how some of the boundaries in my relationship stack up compared to what other people have told me:

1. Friendships

My boyfriend and I don't have any restrictions on these--one of my closest friends at school is a guy, and my boyfriend seems to like what he's heard of him, and vice versa (they haven't met yet). If anything, I tease him about being too nice, because when we first started dating, he was more likely to give girl friends (who obviously liked him) the benefit of the doubt, but he ended up being disappointed when some of them showed their true intentions.

At this point, I would say both of us have more opposite sex acquaintances than friends (we are similar in that we have small friendship circles), but neither of us are the type to have a problem with a friendship just because the person is male (in my case) or female (in his case). That's different than what other people have told me--I know some girls whose boyfriends have forbidden (yes, forbidden) them to have both friendships and interactions with guys (interactions include going to places where guys will be present, doing group projects with them, etc.), and I find that pretty extreme. (Note: I've also heard of cases in which the couple mutually decides that neither of them can have opposite sex friends.) Personally, that kind of ultimatum would offend me, because I feel like it implies I'm not smart enough to judge others' intentions. And it would be impossible: I tutor for the athletic department, and most of my tutees are male; I run a volunteer program and my co-chair is male; and my job requires me to interact with a lot of people, a good number of whom are male. If exposure to someone of the opposite sex was enough to get people to cheat, I don't think monogamous relationships would exist!

2. Partying

I've had a more traditional college career than my boyfriend (he's never lived in a dorm or anything), so like many students I like to go out on weekends. Neither I nor the people I hang with are heavy drinkers, so we like to go out and have a good time, but not a wild and crazy time. His going-out time tends to involve playing gigs, so he usually gets some free beers and attracts the attention of the musician-loving types (which is why I tease him about groupies :-P). We agree that grinding/juking/freak dancing with other people isn't a good idea (that goes back to my "don't do anything you wouldn't want him to see" rule), but that doesn't prevent either of us from going out and having a good time. And it's always most fun when we dance together--sometimes we'll have dance parties in his living room. :-)

I know other people who see the dancing I mentioned above as nothing serious, but it would make me uncomfortable to think about random women with their hands all over my boyfriend, and (in college especially) that kind of dancing is often a prelude to a hookup. I've never met a couple in which both people have thought it wasn't a big deal--generally I've heard of a "don't ask, don't tell" policy, though I wonder if people who are OK with their partner doing that on weekends just see it as a "college" thing.

3. Time management

I didn't even learn about rules on this until recently, when a girl told me that she and her boyfriend (they're in a long-distance relationship) have a mutually imposed curfew. She said it came up because he would get mad (and suspicious) if she stayed at a party too late, so he would get back at her by staying out even later. I'd never even thought about giving a boyfriend a curfew; the only ones I've ever heard of are the implicit, common-sense curfews older people (who live together, have jobs, possibly kids, etc.) have--in college, time is flipped on it's head, and staying up until 2AM is a regular occurrence for plenty of people (and not just for partying, for studying, projects, etc.). This is another rule that wouldn't fly for me--I don't take kindly to people telling me what to do, and the feeling I got in this particular situation was that the curfew wasn't for convenience's sake (e.g., more time to talk on the phone, having to get up early the next day, etc.), but because the girl's boyfriend suspected she was out cheating. Even if I agreed with the curfew (or just naturally ended up coming home earlier), I'd be mad that my boyfriend didn't trust me.

4. Cheating

I think both physical and emotional line-crossing counts as cheating. That covers everything from kissing and sex to intimate lunches and secret texts. And I also think that the person being "tempted" by the cheating is the one who needs to handle it--I'm not going to track down some strange woman and tell her to "keep her claws off of my man", especially since it might be him encouraging her while I'm not around. (Well, obviously not, but some people don't seem to realize that in that situation, your partner's reaction toward the person making advances matters a lot more than what you say, and honestly, some people like the attention

When I was discussing some of these "rules" (specifically, the ones I'd never agree to) with my boyfriend, I told him the thing that rubs me the wrong way the most is when one person in the relationship imposes rules on a partner that s/he wouldn't follow. Some guys I know seem to have the attitude that their girlfriends need rules because they are too naive/"don't know how to handle themselves". /bullshit It's such an inherently condescending attitude, and these same guys are all about flirting with other women and making off-color jokes about women or their sexual prowess. Their behavior reminds me of the "old boys club", because the underlying message is, "I'm a man and I can do what I want, but my woman better not cross the lines I set." I even told my boyfriend that this one guy who loves to talk about all of the things his girlfriend "better not do" has given me a vibe, more than once, that he would hit on me if he ever had the opportunity, girlfriend or no girlfriend. Talk about the hypocrisy.

I don't think there's anything wrong with setting boundaries. In fact, as a marriage counselor told me last year (I took a Psych course with him), it's good to know where you stand before something happens, rather than scrambling to root out miscommunication later. I don't think boundaries should be shackles or restraints either--things you "can't" do in a relationship are generally things you wouldn't want to do (in a relationship) anyways, I'm assuming. But even if some of what you can't do falls under the "want to do" category, the only thing that matters is that you and your partner agree on it.

**Disclaimer: This post is about rules I do/don't agree with for my relationship. If something I wouldn't be OK with (e.g., grinding on random guys at parties) is something you and your partner are OK with, good for you. Since I don't know you/your partner, this post isn't about you personally.

Why I Love My Boyfriend

2010-10-05T09:08:00.000-05:00

There are more reasons than I can count, but this is just the latest one.

Enjoy!

To Facebook or Not to Facebook?

2010-10-03T16:50:00.000-05:00

I've mentioned elsewhere on this blog (namely in the story of how my boyfriend and I met) that I'm a novice when it comes to Internet relations. He, on the other hand, is pretty experienced with the ups and downs of online, so lately he's been encouraging me to "expand my horizons" (read: he's nosy and thinks you all are such cool people he wants to know more :-P). What do you all think?*

Currently, I'm Facebook friends with 3-4 people who read this blog. Generally, if someone emails me or requests me on Facebook and I recognize them from here, I'll friend them/accept their request (I recently deleted a bunch of people I don't talk to anymore and switched my privacy settings, so I'm not sure if I'm searchable anymore). It's pretty interesting to see what people's lives are like offline, but blogging adds a whole new dimension to online etiquette. Can you friend someone from a blog? What if you stumble upon them by accident (i.e., you "like" the same thing and recognize their avatar?). A year ago I probably would've never thought about participating in a blog meet-up (a few natural hair sites have them in my hometown), but now I want to force myself to go just to see what it's like. The nice thing about Facebook/email is that I can reveal stuff without worrying about creepsters (when I blog about school I'm always careful to not mention too many identifying details, but sometimes that takes away from the post), but I also know you can never be too sure on the Internet. The $10 question: How integrated are your online and offline lives?

*I know I've written a post similar to this one before, but I thought it was worth blogging about now since the number of regular commenters here have grown, and I've seen a good amount of overlap among the blogs those commenters and I frequent.

Black Love Does Not Exist

2010-09-29T22:24:00.000-05:00

Yea, I said it. (I'm debating whether I should change the name of my blog to that sentence. :-P) I was watching listening to some show on the radio awhile back, and I complained to my boyfriend that I was tired about hearing/reading about Black love, because there's no such thing. Black love does not equal Black people loving each other, and I'm tired of people trying to purport an idea that a big segment of the Black community does not care about. (Yes, this is one of those ranty posts.)

1. Black men and women do not have an equally vested interest in finding Black mates.

I'm not trying to turn this into a "who's abandoning the community" debate, but as several commenters have mentioned (both here and on other blogs), "nothing but a Black [partner]" comes out of the mouths of Black women way more than Black men. The only men I see who claim to prefer Black women to other races of women are older Black men (who are generally married to Black women) and some of them men on the pages of Essence. I don't think there's anything wrong with being an equal opportunity dater (I consider myself one, after all), but I do think it's silly for Black women to be encouraged, by both men and one another, to "wait it out" for that Ideal Black Man. (Forget finding the ideal Black partner of the same sex; you're probably just doing it out of desperation.) Where exactly is this secret cave of Black men waiting on the right, specifically Black, woman? That's what I thought.

2. Conversations about "Black love" rarely discuss why two Black parents are so important.

What gets me about Black love is that the underlying message I usually get is that Black women are saying (or should be saying), "Black men, please love us." All of this focus on what to do to get a man and none on the benefits of having two Black parents raising Black children. I think an argument can be made for Black children needing Black role models, but I'm not sure I buy that these role models have to be poster people for Black love. Does it even count as Black love if it's non-romantic (e.g., siblings, friends)? And does Black love still have it's value if one or both people are bad role models (e.g., a deadbeat or abusive parent)?

3. Black love encourages Black women to settle for less.

How many times have we seen some no-good guy be praised just for hanging around? It doesn't matter if he has 3 kids by 3 different women, can't hold down a job, or wants all the perks of a relationship with no commitment. The fact that he's Black and has chosen a Black woman upon which to heap his baggage means that he should be celebrated. I wish I could say that I haven't seen Black women tell one another to "give him a chance, at least he's not with a White girl." Plus there's usually the underlying sentiment that we should be "grateful", given the Black man shortage--you never know if this chance at Black love will be your last!

I do think there are some people who see Black love as a return to the high marriage rates, low out-of-wedlock birth rates, and so on, of earlier eras, and I choose to believe that most of those people act out of good intentions. Unfortunately, the reality is that the execution of those beliefs is usually bad news for Black women. I'm tired of us being held as infinitely obligated to the Black community, even when that obligation comes at the expense of our happiness. Let's stop talking about Black love, put down the Essence, and start talking about a love that is built on respect, trust, and communication, for starters. You in?

Pictures

2010-09-26T21:38:00.000-05:00

Don't my sister and I look cute? I should've gotten the others to take a picture of the back, but it was cold in those bleachers!

Hair Update!

2010-09-25T20:47:00.000-05:00

I got a haircut today! It's the shortest my hair have ever been (since I've had hair, lol), hitting at my earlobe at the longest part. The back is pretty much all natural, and I took a picture with my sister today, but I left my camera cord at school so pictures will have to wait.

I'm soooo glad I got a haircut, before I did, my hair was in the middle of my upper back, and the relaxed hair was just not worth all of that effort. I usually do braidouts and twistouts, but my relaxed hair would straighten out so quickly--I couldn't sleep on it without waking up with a head of partially-straightened hair in the morning. Now, the back of my head is basically all natural, and I'm thinking about cutting the rest off in December. But I'm really liking this style, so we'll see. :-)

I also got my boyfriend to admit that he prefers natural hair to relaxed hair. He tried to be coy (probably because I had relaxed hair when he met me), and he doesn't hate straight hair on Black women, but he admitted that he's more attracted to Black women with natural hair than relaxed. Note: I think he's attracted to natural curly hair, since natural women can have straight hair too. He's way more hands-on with my hair now then when we first started dating--I don't think he ever touched my hair straight; now he's always in it. And he sees my transition as an "adventure" of sorts: when we video chatted a few weeks ago he decided to do a Google search and pick out styles he liked (in no particular order:

These aren't all of his selections (once he gets started on something, he gets kind of obsessive), but I noticed that he seems to like "free" styles (as opposed to braids or twists), and gravity-defying funky dos. Right now, my hair looks most like a shorter version of the girl with the teal tank's hair, which I like, but I think my favorite out of these 5 is the girl in the middle of the top row. (Btw, does anyone know who's in the top row on the right? She looks a lot like Hannah Hodson (Jada Pinkett's daughter on Hawthorne). Maybe I'll try that style in a few months when my hair is all natural! :-)

Would You Be Willing to Be the "Plan B"?

2010-09-22T07:58:00.000-05:00

Long time no swirl, right? :-)

Well I just read (well, skimmed) this article about whom Black women prefer to date, and it got me thinking about the whole idea of men of a certain race as a "Plan B". When I think of Plan B (as it relates to dating, not to the backup birth control pill), I have trouble figuring out my own hard and fast rules. Sure, I prefer taller men, but I've gone out with and had crushes on guys under 5'9''. And I like dark hair better than blonde hair, but I've known and dated some really hot blonde guys. How many times do you have to break the rule before the exception no longer counts as such?

As a kid, I didn't operate under the assumption that I would marry somebody Black. I don't think I ever sat around and thought about it, but if my mom had had her way, I would've ended up with someone White, because she was always planning to marry me off to my friends from school. (I don't think it would've been an interracial marriage in so much as it would've been a marriage of math geeks. :-P) Having that experience in Kindergarten prepped me with the assumption that I could have any guy I wanted, in terms of race, but I'm not sure how many other Black women have similar experiences. (Thoughts?)

It seems reasonable to me that by virtue of being raised among mostly Black people there would be women who would prefer to marry a Black man, and I don't think there's anything wrong with it. Some girls I know have mentioned that the desire to marry intraculturally is more important than marrying intraracially, and that's what they feel they have in common with Black men. The question is, if said women don't end up with Black men, should they discuss this preference with their non-Black partners?

The article doesn't explain why this issue would even come up, so I'm assuming it's a matter of one person asking the other. So what should you do, lie?

I think I personally would prefer to operate under a "don't ask, don't tell" policy, but I'm not big on preferences anyway (I think mine are way too flimsy). If my boyfriend prefers White women to Black women (he's a sharer, so I know he doesn't), I'd rather not know, because it seems like it'd serve no purpose and just be uncomfortable. And the issues of beauty, dating, and attractiveness judgments of Black women vs. White women are too fraught with tension to end up anywhere good. I'm pretty sure we're similar in this respect--neither of us is into racial preferences, whether they favor us or not. (My boyfriend told me once about a girl he dumped because she was too big into "White man worship". He said the fact that she treated him as an object, rather than as a person, made him uncomfortable.)

It'd be interesting to hear an account of a woman who knows she's doesn't fit her partner's preference and how she deals with it. For what it's worth, I don't think the man in the article is lying or fooling himself by being OK with the fact that his wife would prefer he were Black (though I do think parts of the article are unintentionally patronizing in talking about "Black women's empowerment". I just think that takes a certain kind of person, and I am definitely too much of the needy girlfriend for that. :-)

Sometimes Being a Language Major Sucks

2010-09-18T02:54:00.001-05:00

Mostly because of other people (what else is new?). For some, a language is yet another thing to conquer. Never mind the cultures behind it. Never mind regional differences. Never mind that some people have better things to do than be your personal Rosetta Stone. Nope, plenty are content to sit around spouting mediocre grammatical constructions while trying to "out-Spanish" one another (really, they just end up showing who's the biggest gringo, but I digress). As Jessica writes here, "by appropriating Spanish words into English incorrectly and without context, it creates a system where Anglo-English speakers feel free to butcher Spanish as much as they choose..." Isn't it funny (not) that the same people who mock the poor English skills of recent immigrants feel perfectly fine about assaulting our ears with jacked-up Spanish. In my mind, I liken peppering one's English with Ay and vale to using "son" at the end of every sentence when you are speaking to a Black person.

On top of all that, the arrogance that people have when learning a language is astounding. The idea that a Black person could be better at them (and I mean miles better, I know my stuff) at something is unfathomable. They already expect every person of Hispanic descent to speak it, so it's not as "impressive", but either way there is this fundamental reluctance to admit a) that someone non-White could be better and b) that they need help. Call me a cynic, but I believe the goal of many of the White language majors I know isn't to learn the language, culture, and literature because they like it, it's to be able to walk around and say, "I know more about Spanish/Spanish people" than you!" (and, of course, to brag about how much they love eating "authentic" tacos).

A big part of my life that I've never mentioned on this blog is that I've run an English as a New Language program off-campus for over 3 years now. As much as I love my students, and as much as I know that the program couldn't run without student volunteers from my university, sometimes it pisses me off that some people only see Spanish-speaking people as useful in so much as they can aprovechar free Spanish lessons. (Aprovechar means to take advantage of, and it is the perfect word for this kind of situation). These people would never think to, you know, speak to or associate any of the Latino students on campus, or go to any of the cultural events on campus (Latino or otherwise), or, hell, ask for help/go to tutoring. It's much easier to use recent immigrants who need English to get better jobs, help their kids with homework, and go grocery shopping than to get off of your lazy ass and try that thing we call studying.

Now, those of you who've been around these parts before know that I don't stand for that crap. This program is my baby, and I've tried my hardest to cut people off at the pass if I even suspect that they have the wrong motivations. (Given that we have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy toward citizenship status, it's especially important that our students feel comfortable with us.) But I know I can't change the general attitude of the privileged, and I'm tired.

Spotlight: Tulpa, or Anne&Me

2010-09-16T12:09:00.000-05:00

I've found the GABs...but who is [Name]?

I've been lazy on the linkage lately, mostly because of school and because there's so much good stuff out there, and I tend to just comment, that it's hard to remember to pass it on sometimes. (Side note: check this out and send it to that one friend...you know who she is.) But after hearing about it in passing so many times, I finally read RVCBard's play Tulpa, or Anne&Me during the wee hours of Sunday night/Monday morning. I planned to just skim the first couple scenes and then go to bed, but I ended up reading the whole thing. I'm horrible at writing synopses, so read this before continuing.

Finished?

My thoughts:

It is really good. And this is from a literature major who's not all that into plays, mostly because of the flowery language, which RVCBard deliberately avoids. My favorite scene--the last one in the first act--is particularly powerful, and part of it is so eerily similar to the recent Dr. Laura debacle that it gave me goosebumps to read it. As far as the overall content, what kept me interested was that it wasn't constructed as a contrived sit-in-a-circle-kumbayah moment. The conversations are fragmented and disjointed, just as they would be in real life, and they leave the reader vaguely dissatisfied, not at the writer for structuring them that way, but at the fact that these conversations are reflections of real life. I'm excited that it's the first in a 3-part series, because I wanted more at the end...but I wasn't exactly sure what I wanted more of.

The only (personal) problem I had is that I couldn't figure out who should play the main character. I imagined Queen Latifah and Tracie Thoms as the GABs, and Anne Hathaway is self explanatory, but who is [name]? Personality-wise, I'm thinking of a Viola Davis type, but physically I'm not sure.

If you are in the NYC area, save the date (November 12). I'm going to update this post with more information when I can, or you can just go straight to the source. :-)

Can You Overuse the Word "Asian?"

2010-09-13T13:05:00.000-05:00

I don't think I actually sat down and thought about my relative lack of interactions with Asian people until I got to college. The area I live in is just now growing in its Asian (specifically Korean) population, because when I was growing up the Asian population was concentrated to the north. Even all these years later, I can name (and count on one hand) all of the Asian people I knew: Andrew (a recent immigrant from Korea who only stayed in my 1st grade class for a few weeks), Michael (half-Black/half-Filipino, who lived around the corner from me), and Genevieve (my best friend in middle school, Vietnamese and adopted by White parents as a baby). I had no concept of what "Asian" meant--either negatively or positively (in terms of stereotypes): I was only exposed to the idea of Asians as good at math/science or exceedingly nerdy through books and television.

Coming to college was a different experience. I had no bias, one way or another, towards Asian people, and it was my first time being exposed to so many different backgrounds at once. I took Japanese my first year, and the majority of the students in that class were Korean. And I joined a research lab my second year in which the professor running it was a Korean woman (great professor, I took Social Inequities in Mental Health with her last year) and most of the projects being conducted focused on Asian American acculturation. I became pretty close with most of the people in the lab (which was made up of 3 grad students--a Korean male and female and a female from Hong Kong--plus 4 undergraduate assistants--a Cuban female, a Vietnamese male and female, a Korean female, and me), and I was especially close with the Vietnamese female, since we spent many a long night in the lab coding data. :-)

Interestingly, some of my family members grew up being told (by whom, I don't know) that "Asian" was an inappropriate term to use (as opposed to "Oriental"). As they explained it to me, calling someone "Chinese", regardless of nationality, was obviously wrong, and so if you didn't know someone's specific background, you were supposed to use Oriental. I correct them when they say this (based on what people I know have told me about the offensiveness of that word), but it's interesting that the intention behind it is exactly the opposite of what the word "means".

Now that I've given you (way too much) background information, let me get to the point of this post. :-) I was half-watching Tyra a few weeks ago (I know, I know, but school wasn't in yet) and the second part of the episode had to do with White men who "loved" Asian women (in quotation marks because I don't know if it was phrased as a fetish or men who exclusively dated Asian women or what). Tyra brought out an Asian man, presumably to get him to bitch and moan about all the Asian women with White men (which is super-tacky at the very least), and I was happy that he didn't play into her stereotypes--he said he had no problem dating Asian women and that he didn't date them exclusively anyway. I think this man made a really good point when he noted that none of the men who said they just loved "Asian culture" mentioned anything about tradition, customs, food, etc., because he touched on something that was bothering me about the episode: It generally makes me uncomfortable when people claim to be really into "Asian" anything, because it sounds like a generic fetish rather than a genuine interest. What does "Asian culture" even mean?

I'm sure my thought are heavily influenced by working in a lab designed to study Asian acculturation (and all of those hours coding page after page :-P)--I believe in the importance of pan-Asian solidarity (just as I can see the importance of pan-POC and pan-African diaspora and pan-Hispanohablante solidarity). But I have to give the side-eye at the tendency of people outside the group to lump all of those people together and then act as if they deserve a pat on the back for "stepping outside of the box". All of the men on stage were talking about, "my Asian girlfriend this", "my Asian girlfriend that", and it just hit my ears wrong, I guess. Not a one of them mentioned a specific Asian country, and I would bet that when asked to describe what they liked so much about, say Malaysian vs. Japanese culture they wouldn't have much to say.

Sixty percent of the world's population is Asian. There are so many cultures, languages, and customs that it would be pretty much impossible for anyone to learn them all, which is why I'm quick to give the side-eye to people like those men who wax on about some generic "Asian" essence. If the idea of what Asian means merits more focus than the specific personality, wants, desires, and background of a given person of Asian descent, there's definitely a problem.

Invisible Bootstraps (Part 2): I Suck at Science...And So Does My Teacher

2010-09-09T08:07:00.000-05:00

Science and I have had a hate-hate relationship for a long time. Biology is just gross (I cut open a fetal pig), chemistry is only slightly tolerable, and physics was really confusing. And don't get me started on all of those mandatory science fairs--the highlight of that process was doing a study on subliminal messages and finding out that "Another One Bites The Dust", by Queen, allegedly contains the message "It's fun to smoke marijuana" when you play it backwards.

To be honest, I'm not truly horrible at science. I did take Honors science classes consistently in elementary and secondary school, and I've done pretty well on the science sections of standardized tests., so I will admit that my abilities in science don't match up with my dislike of the subject. Plus I like and do well at math, so I only have one foot on the "I hate science and math" train. However, both anecdotal and statistical evidence shows that students in the US have plenty of reason to dislike both subjects: we suck them. Currently, the US ranks 21st in science and 25th in math as compared to 29 other industrialized nations. Countries in front of us include the Czech Republic, Liechtenstein, China, and Spain (math), and New Zealand, Ireland, South Korea, and Belgium (science). On the smaller scale, many of the schools blasted by No Child Left Behind have abysmally low science and math standardized test scores--we're talking 35% of students or fewer meeting state standards.

It turns out that students in low-income community have an added burden. Half of them are being taught by people who didn't even minor in math or science, thereby severely reducing the quality of their education. Those fields are so specialized that it seems nearly impossible that someone with no background could be an effective teacher. Added to the disillusionment many people feel when faced with math or science and you've pretty much guaranteed that students in low-income community are going to graduate knowing the bare minimum, if they graduate at all.

Fortunately, most educational nonprofits make efforts to actively recruit math and science majors to teaching programs by offering them connections to well-known corporations, medical schools, and technology firms. But given how far the US lags behind other industrialized countries, it may be too late for some. So what do we do? How can we improve math and science education when we don't have qualified teachers, many parents don't have the skills to help their kids at home, and society has ingrained in us that both subjects are "just too hard"? Should we make college degrees/relevant experiences a requirement for teachers in some subject areas?

More Hot Men

2010-09-07T12:47:00.000-05:00

Sometimes you just need an early-afternoon pick me up. :-)

Jon Foster

Courtesy of groopi..blogspot.com

Not only is he hot with a great body--he's also Jewish! (No idea if the tattoo is real, since tattoos aren't allowed in Judaism.) I freely admit watching the entire season of "Accidentally on Purpose" on CBS just because of him.

What's even better is that good looks run in the family--his brother is a babe too!

Ben Foster

Courtesy of amazon.com

I didn't even know that he was the guy from X-Men or Alpha Dogs--the boyfriend and I recently watched Liberty Heights (coincidentally about an attraction between a White Jewish boy and a Black girl in the 50s), and that's when I first took notice. Jon is good-looking and all, but he's got nothing on his brother's body. Ben has great eyes too--check out his Wikipedia photo (but first grab a Kleenex to wipe up the drool). :-)

An Anniversary of Sorts

2010-09-05T19:16:00.000-05:00

Unfortunately, the last post I wrote was #200. (I say unfortunately because I would've liked the 200th post to be something happier.) But, since I missed my blogiversary (sometime in May) and the 100th post (who knows when that was), I figured it was time to celebrate something blog-related. I don't have much to say, so I'll just share happy pictures of me and my boyfriend when he came to meet my parents. I would've shared when he first came, but all of the cute pictures ended up on his camera, so now I have to steal them from Facebook. :-)

In a cave at The Field Museum--Yes, that is literally how he eats!

Obviously I'm not nearly as creative

I always look awkward in pictures by myself

Check out Mr. Cool--He flipped into tourist mode as soon as we stepped off of the train!

Aw, aren't we cute?

People Suck

2010-09-05T13:49:00.000-05:00

A customer called my boyfriend a "kike" at work yesterday.

Some Thoughts on Interracial Friendships

2010-09-03T10:18:00.000-05:00

*Here's me and J with E, the host of the party and another person I've know since elementary school.

As a kid, I was "best friends" with everyone--an incredible feat when you are supposedly an introvert. (I believe my all-time high was 7 best friends in 7th grade.) I didn't have that many friends because I needed an entourage; I just didn't know how to say no when people asked me to be "best friends". Yea, that backfired pretty quickly. But I digress. :-)

In terms of kids I hung out with on a regular basis, early on I got used to having friends who weren't (best) friends with one another. The people I hung out with on my block were two Black girls--the three of us were all in the same first grade class, and it was convenient for us to hang out after school and on weekends. The people I hung out with who didn't live within walking distance were a White guy and girl, who were also in my first grade class. (Coincidentally, they both came out to me years later.) All of this was compounded by the fact that the 5 people I've mentioned (including myself) were all considered "gifted", so we would go to special classes for reading and such. More than 15 years later, I'm not friends with C and S, the two Black girls (except on Facebook), and I just reconnected with A a couple of years ago via Facebook (he moved to Missouri in 3rd grade). J and I keep in touch sporadically (especially around this time, since we go to rival football schools), and she invited me to a mini middle school reunion last summer (see the picture above). Obviously all of us have gone our separate ways, but I do believe that if we were to get together, it would still be a pretty good time. Plus all of us were in the gifted class together for so long that we always had a tendency to hang out within our small group of 15-20 kids.

It wasn't until coming to college that I saw a big separation, not just by race, but also by gender. I'm in a social club for women of color, and one of our meeting topics last year was friendships on campus, and what encouraged/inhibited us to befriend certain people. I remarked that, oddly, I had plenty of White male friends but not a single White female friend, this despite the fact that my school is almost 80% White and I lived in a single-sex dorm at the time. What was even more surprising was that many of the girls in the room said they were in the same situation, and none of us could figure out why. Now that I'm about to graduate, I can honestly say that over the past 3 years I have never had a White female friend, "friend" meaning someone I actually hang out with outside of obligations like class, club meetings, etc. Of course, some are nice (in that awkward-smile-on-the-quad way), but there's some kind of unspoken barrier there that I don't see with White guys, who are all too eager to say, "Let's hang out" and actually follow up on it.

Unfortunately, it seems like the lines are drawn pretty quickly. Many freshman report being excluded from dorm events, or invited at the last minute, and they say it seems like they are only wanted if they will be the only Black person there (maybe more than one is too many?). And, from my casual observations it seems like this happens with Asians and Latinas as well (there aren't enough Native American girls here to say). In a mostly-White group of girls, there can only be one girl of color (preferably mixed and eager to play sidekick).

The interaction of race and gender, especially when it comes to friendship, is a funny thing. A couple girls I know have suggested that White girls at school feel "intimidated" by Black girls, probably because of internalized stereotypes of Black women as loud, mean, and bossy. I could see White males generally not being intimidated by women (in the friend zone) in general, but I don't know if I'd go so far as to suggest that none of them (accordingly) believe negative stereotypes about Black women. So what gives?

I talked about being burned out with the school scene in my last post, and I'm hoping I can "go out into the real world" without being jaded based on my time here (which has been marked by interaction with a very distinct subgroup of White people). But from what I've read on other blogs, this is just the beginning (and having a White boyfriend certainly doesn't help). What causes the shift and separation, and does it ever go away?

* This post only focuses on White people because they are the vast majority here, and I just used White male interaction as a contrast to White female interaction.

** One thing I find particularly strange, on a personal level, is that I've never been one of those "I only hang with guys because girls are too much drama" women. (That sentiment actually annoys me, most times, but I digress.) I've had great relationships with women over the years (I even think my blog stands as a testament to that)--it wasn't until college that my number of male friends surpassed female friends.

*** The White guys I'm friends with don't seem to operate on the assumption that talking to a Black person makes them "one of us", but some White girls seem to assume that having a Black friend means you are sympathetic to "their" causes and likely to start walking around snapping off or something.

****I would definitely say that guys are beating girls in terms of interracial friendships by a landslide. I wouldn't be surprised if some of that has to do with Black male worship (with regards to football, being cool, and all that), but the Black guys here definitely don't hang out as a group. (There's a brother club to our WOC group, but the guys in it aren't friends like that--they're just "cool" with one another.)

It's That Time...

2010-08-31T09:15:00.000-05:00

Yep, that's me, huddling over a stack of papers at 3:00 in the morning. OK, not really. As my college career draws to a close, I can honestly say that I have never a) pulled an all-nighter b) woken up from a hangover or c) drank a cup of coffee. But I have a) run from the police b) gone off on a roommate and c) been hit on by a football player. What this says about me, I really don't know. :-)

Anyway, it's very exciting to be in my last semester--I technically only need 3 more classes to graduate. Plus, I was invited to the Spanish Honor's Program, so I am taking a 4th class (graduate-level) to fulfill that requirement. (I was so nervous on the first day--there are 8 first- and second-year grad students!) I'm also working on finding the job--I've been moved straight to a final interview with the company I want to work with, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed with that. But, I am nervous about finding work for my free semester (the spring). Ideally I will do an internship and get a bit of experience before I start my job, but it's been hard finding internship sites that let me narrow my search by time.

The final semester is exciting, but I am really ready to get up outta here. The elite college environment is so stressful--I had a conversation with some friends the other night, and I'm just starting to realize how much being here has made me distrust White people. (Yea, I said it.) Not all White people, but certainly wealthy, never-met-a-POC-who-wasn't-doing-service-work, trust-fund babies. I'm ready to get back to a city environment. It's not that I think those White people are automatically less racist, but there's less of a power differential (unlike the 2% vs. 80% we have going on here), and thus, more accountability. I might blog about this in more detail later, but it's pretty interesting to look back over the past 3 years and compare what I knew then to what I know now.

Back to a happier note: Did I mention that I have the best class schedule ever? Three on Tuesday/Thursday plus one on Wednesday (that's the grad class though, so it's long). Hopefully I'll have plenty of time to work on the job search, keep up with my job(s) and club stuff, and of course have some fun. The cops are cracking down like crazy around here, so I am so glad I am 21 (I'm old though, so I haven't had to worry for almost a year now). I'm trying to save up blog posts--I know I probably won't be able to post as consistently as I did in the summer, but I'll try to keep up! :-)

You Couldn't Find a Brother to Date?

2010-08-28T21:18:00.000-05:00

Awhile ago, I decided to accept the fact that most people I encounter (in real life) who are interested in my relationship aren't just benevolently curious. Most times, they want to ask leading questions to prove a point, namely that I hate all Black men and am dating my boyfriend as a big "F you" to them, or that I'm bitter I couldn't get a Black man and thus had to settle for a White one. Either way, the point is to figure out my "agenda", and, I think, turn the spotlight away from their own "light, bright" proclivities. (Is it just me, or do you notice that it's mainly the "gotta get a White/Latina/Asian girl at all costs" dudes who accuse you of thinking that "the brothers aren't good enough"?) And it goes without saying that this attitude is very sexist: A Black man with a non-Black woman is taking a step up, but a Black woman with a non-Black man is taking a step down? I'm not dogging Black men as a group (obviously), but I am calling out the funky logic (and visible insecurities) of some.

When you add colorism to the mix, things get even more complicated. As a dark-skinned woman, I would say the attitude I've encountered from some men is almost a "how dare you not play the role of the lowly dark-skinned girl clamoring for the (unrequited) attention of Black men and stewing in jealousy of the long-haired light-skinned girls!" (Nevermind that, like many American Blacks, my family is a range of shades, so dissing light-skinned people would be tantamount to dissing my own mama and most of my sisters.) There's also the "sour grapes" aspect I mentioned above: I'm obviously dating a White guy because I couldn't get a "virile, strong, chocolate brotha" (I often try and fail at resisting the urge to crack up when people talk like that--ridiculous).

On the other hand, I've heard from light-skinned women I know that some men have treated their relationship as a betrayal and can't believe that they don't want to be someone's "light-skinned dream". I guess the sentiment is the opposite--in the case of a light-skinned woman, she has it made in terms of dating in the Black community, and thus should be grateful for her position as the Black man's ideal.

Sometimes I wonder: do some Black men want Black women (in general) to say negative things about them? It seems like some people are like rabid dogs just looking for a fight, but I'm not sure why. My blog has never been a place to bash people of any group--I think there's an understanding (at least among the regulars here) that our like-minded interest in socio- and psychological trends makes this a place in which we can talk about these things without having to use quantifiers excessively or field inquiries from trolls who are goading us to whip out the "I hate Black men" t-shirts. And I'm not even going to discuss the men who make disgusting and degrading comments about "whether a White man can handle all that [blank]. So if the option is between that attitude and settling, I'll take the latter for $200, Alex.

So I Think I've Become a Columnist?

2010-08-25T09:45:00.002-05:00

Or an online one, at least. I've been asked by a friend to write posts for this new website, which is designed to get students at my university talking outside of class. Side note: I'm also on a board that meets to discuss why students don't engage with politics, social issues, controversial topics, etc. outside of class. (I have my own theory, but that's another post.) Research has shown that students from my university generally have great on-paper credentials, but blow the interview because we don't know how to go beyond canned answers. This website is going to be one of many tactics implemented to get students accustomed to discussing more than the latest "Jersey Shore" episode during their free time.

Anyway, my friend told me to submit articles on whatever I want, and blog fodder is fair game. (I'll also get paid for this.) I gave him two posts, one an edited version of an older blog post on studying abroad, and another that I wrote for a different website I used to write for. (Maybe my dream of becoming an advice columnist isn't that far-fetched after all.) The study abroad one is pretty boring (and I have a feeling it'd be common sense for most of you reading here, but I'll probably share some of the more interesting ones in the coming weeks. My friend is the only Black person on the exec board I believe, and he's made a point of recruiting Black writers, so hopefully it will be a nice change from the "I'm White and I speak for everyone on this campus" tripe we usually have to read.

SBF: Should I Be Worried That He Didn't Call Me?

2010-08-21T20:18:00.000-05:00

*Source: ibiblio.org

Someone I know (no names :-P) is always asking me this question, though I have no idea why she thinks I should know the answer. I usually don't know the guys in question, and the whole "who calls whom" thing generally confuses me. (I think there's a "3-day rule" or something, but what about texts, emails, or instant messages? Or what if you run into him before the 3 days are up? See what I mean?) As much as I like to overthink and dissect the actions of men (well really, I like to overthink and dissect pretty much every topic), I know that the latest guy has potential, so I couldn't make light of the fact that she really wants to know if she likes her. But I have to be honest that the limited context of my dating experiences (high school and college) plus the changing role of technology in social interactions make it hard for me to give a concrete answer.

In the past, "the call test" didn't work very well for me. For starters, my last boyfriend was boring. (Yea, I said it.) Maybe it was because we were young and didn't have mutual interests in social awareness, blogging, current events, etc., but our conversations didn't really go past "what did you do today?". (It was a long-distance relationship, since we went to college in different states.) And I wasn't a big fan of texting until recently (mainly because it's a convenient way to bridge the time difference between me and my boyfriend)--I'd rather have a phone call or send a long email than text back and forth. So to an extent, the quality and frequency of your phone conversations can be an indicator of future success of your involvement with the person. Lesson learned: if you are talking to someone on the phone out of habit, it's probably time to re-evaluate the relationship.

On the other hand, my friend is one of those people who does like increased communication, and she sees that communication as a reflection of the guy's intentions. I buy it to an extent--someone who doesn't want to talk to you is probably "just not that into you"--but at the same time, you never know if you don't call first, right? I know some women who feel like calling makes them look "desperate" (and it can, if you call every hour on the hour), but I also know that some guys (especially my boyfriend, who is president of the "men who wish women would ask them out" club) wouldn't mind not being expected to call, or even receiving a call themselves. And this is where technology can work to your advantage--not only can you proofread texts, Facebook messages, etc., but they are also a great first step for someone who's too shy to make and sustain a phone call.

Bottom line, I told my friend to judge the new guy based on what he is doing, not on what she thinks he should do based off an article in Cosmo or the advice of that bitter friend who's always trying to bring you down (I think I might need a post on that one...). So what he called Wednesday instead of Tuesday? When in doubt, make the call yourself--if he's not worth your time you'll figure it out pretty quickly, but the fact that he's not one for talking on the phone doesn't make him a bad guy.

Note: I feel that I'm on the same page with most of my regular commenters, so I never go into detail about what exactly the red flags are 1) because there's stuff on "trifling men" all over the Internet and 2) that stuff's depressing. I think most people, deep down, know when "s/he's just not that into you", and calling someone on their denial tends to end badly. Live and let learn and all that.

Invisible Bootstraps (Part 1): The Achievement Gap and the Cultural Gap

2010-08-19T13:17:00.000-05:00

Source: Educational Testing Service

I'm really excited about this new series, mostly because I think the achievement gap and the effect it has on low-income, Black, and Latino students is something that needs to be discussed much more frequently. Plus I'm excited to share some of the knowledge I've gathered firsthand over the past few years. :-)

Acknowledging the achievement gap is to organizations I've worked for what acknowledging White privilege is to anti-racism circles: very basic stuff. However, just as you can't limit the conversation on White privilege the criminal justice system, any discussion of the achievement gap snowballs to encompass multiple issues, including poverty, cracks in the US educational system, politics--and the list goes on. However, one related issue that I'm interested in learning more about is the cultural gap, because I've witnessed it.

Story time: My favorite experience during my internship was observing high school classrooms in South LA. I plan to teach high school for a few years after graduation, so I was eager to see teachers I had helped train operate in a low-income community. You should know that these novice teachers were actually still in training at the time, so part of my role as an observer was to give them feedback on the organization of the lesson plan, the level of student engagement, etc. I was pleased to see the progress some of the teachers had made, but my favorite teacher was a young Black woman I'd met recently. I left her a note filled with praise for her control of the classroom and her investment in her students, and I used her (mentally) as a comparative example as I visited other classrooms.

Bottom line: visiting all of the different classrooms got me thinking about the relationships teachers form with their students and how that relationship relates to academic success. It seemed important to look at high school in particular, since teachers must relate to 16, 17, and 18-year-olds much differently than they relate to elementary schools students. And with the programs I've worked with, there's also the added barriers of race and socioeconomic status.

I think it's too simple to say that Black and Latino teachers relate better to Black and Latino students just because they share the same racial/ethnic background. After all, the achievement gap helps perpetuate the selectivity of our teacher base: only 1 in 10 low-income students graduate from college, so it's more likely that the Blacks and Latinos graduating from elite universities and joining these types of programs come from predominantly White environments. (There's also the alleged conspiracy of elite universities recruiting "tokens" from all-White environments, but that's another post.) Black or not, I can't relate to the lived experiences of someone who lives in an all-POC neighborhood, goes to an all-POC school, and has all-POC interactions. As I remarked to a friend after returning from one school, "The only time some of these kids see White people are in positions of power: as police officers, social workers, or disciplinarians."

After I thought about the paradox for awhile (meaning, the significant connections between Black and Latino students and teachers, despite their social and cultural distance, connections that are not often replicated by White teachers, regardless of distance), I wondered, what would happened if we reframed the way we think about culture? Instead of the cultural gap being about cultural practices, what if it's about cultural accessibility? Even if Black and Latino teachers don't have personal experience with certain aspects of the cultures their students belong to, they do have knowledge about that aspect and recognize it as legitimate, not strange, or backwards, or inferior.

I admit, many of my thoughts on this come from experiences within my own family. I'm part of the huge group of Chicago Blacks with roots in Mississippi--my grandparents moved up here in the 50s and raised their kids in Hyde Park (same neighborhood as the Obamas :-P). My mom and her siblings were pretty far-removed from their Mississippi roots, even though they were sent there every summer to stay with my great-grandma and their cousins. My mom told me once that during one trip down there, she looked out the window and exclaimed, "They're still picking cotton?" She was raised a lot differently from her cousins on the farm, just as my siblings and I were raised a lot differently from our cousins who grew up on the West Side. But we still know and recognize the way they grew up doing things, and we are expected to. Just like the students we work with expect us (as Black and Latino people?) to know about unfair interactions with the police, or the latest dance move on BET, or what a sew-in is. I'm guessing they don't expect their White teachers to know the same things (and my experience says many of them don't), so the boundary between "us" and "them" is set up from the start. If anything, the cultural gap shows clearly how cultural knowledge works against POC. We are expected to know why some White people wash their hair every day, to be able to distinguish the myriad skinny White female celebrities, and to not ask questions like, "Why do White people drink milk with dinner?" But White teachers can walk into a POC classroom with no cultural knowledge (and even having no significant interaction with a non-White person, ever) and it's not supposed to be an indicator of ignorance or a very limited perspective. Will their experiences in classrooms in which "White" is a minority (and, often, nonexistent) change this? I guess we'll find out.

Don't Worry, I'm Not Like Those Other Black People

2010-08-16T14:37:00.001-05:00

**Note: This post has been updated (see below).

One trend I've noticed online recently (or maybe it's just some of the places I read) is the tendency for some Black people to take offense at non-Black people's reinforcement of a particular stereotype while simultaneously admitting to the pervasiveness of the stereotype. (Wow, that was a long sentence!) To simplify, I'm talking about people who, usually during a conversation about race, go to great pains to make sure the non-Black people in the conversation know that they aren't like "those Black people". This generally takes the form of a credential listing: "I have 3 degrees, 4 houses, 2 dogs, I don't roll my eyes or snap my neck, etc., etc." Now, if this is true for you, that's great. But these statements come across to me as, "Don't worry, I'm not like most Black people." And the unspoken implication of that statement is that most Black people are [insert stereotype].

Of course, it makes sense to refute a sweeping generalization of a group of people (especially if you belong to that group) with a counterexample. The problem is, you should be able to do that without throwing other Black people under the bus. Treating yourself as the exception means you are agreeing with your opponents, as long as they don't include you in their stereotype. That's why people will call you a "Good Darkie" (you should read this post and all of the comments, btw), because your MO goes against self-interest. Know this: If you are Black and someone says, "All Black people do ...", yes they are talking about you. Doesn't matter if they say, "Oh no, you aren't like them," or use some nonsensical reasoning to show you that somehow you don't count in the aforementioned "Black" group. Take it from someone who used to tutor and grade for logic classes: It will probably be more helpful to you in the long run to figure out why you are so offended by non-Black people's stereotypes of Blacks, yet you subconsciously hold the same stereotypes (yourself excluded, of course). Does. Not. Compute.

Update: I'm not going to blog about the whole Dr. Laura thing (not worthy of it's own post, IMO), but I will toss in my $.02 since I think it's relevant to this post. What's up with people deliberately missing the point in order to throw other Black folks under the bus (again)? I've yet to see a logical explanation for what someone calling you names you don't like has to do with whether other people can use the same name without consequence, yet people are trying to turn this into some "who can use the N-word" mess. Unless rappers/people on HBO/whoever Dr. L was talking about called Jade (the caller) the N-word, that whole point was a non-sequitur. But that's probably just my "black-think" microchip speaking. ;-)

Women Like Eye Candy Too: Chad Connell

2010-08-13T16:00:00.000-05:00

I must admit that I'm not really one for celebrity crushes--I tend to see one good-looking man and hold on to his image for years. (I think this is because I don't watch a lot of TV, so I'm usually not aware of hot up-and-coming stars.) But when a movie makes you actively root against the main love interest in favor of "that other guy", I think it's time to take note.

Meet Chad Connell:

Why he's hot:

He's 27 (definitely the epitome of the "hot young thing").
That jawline--I love men with jaws shaped like that!
Those lips--I think they speak for themselves.
I couldn't find any shirtless pics, but something tells me he has a nice body.
He seduced Tia Mowry in Double Wedding. (Yes, it was hot!)

My favorite picture of him is here (sorry, I think copyright issues won't allow me to link it.)

Doesn't he just make you want to move to Canada? ;-)