It's Not You, It's Your Friends

If you hated your partner's friends, would it be a dealbreaker? For me, I think the answer is yes, given that I actually hated them and didn't just dislike them. But I think I have good reasons (and of course there are exceptions).

1. If I hate someone, I generally have a good reason.

I'll admit I don't really "hate" people, because it takes too much effort. Even actively disliking someone is a challenge for me--as a kid, I always failed at giving my sisters the silent treatment when they made me angry. But if I'm at the point where I don't want to be around a person, it's because I dislike either their attitudes (e.g., racism) or actions (e.g., drug use) and said thoughts/behaviors are an integral part of interacting with the person. One of Z's friends (I think he qualifies as an ex-friend now) who I've never met is a former  soldier who has some questionable ideas about a lot of things--he would go in this category, because he's not the "just make polite conversation and keep it moving" type.

2. People are generally inclined to defend their friends (which complicates things).

One time, Z and I got into a fight over something inappropriate that one of his close friends wrote on his Facebook wall. I was angry because I felt that he let his friend slide where he wouldn't let anyone else slide at the risk of offending me; he didn't want to call out his friend and tried to take a neutral approach, which wasn't really working given the nature of the comment. It wasn't a very serious situation, but I'm still giving that friend the side-eye almost a year later, and I think it's a good example of how we can jump to defending our friends as people even when we disagree with their attitudes or actions. It becomes a slippery slope when the defense (or neutral stance) is seen as support of the friend's words or behaviors, and it can put a strain on the relationship.

3. No one wants to choose between friends and a relationship.

I'm mildly conflict-avoidant and tend to plan everything in advance, so ideally I would never be in this situation ("me or your friends")--I'd rather find out the rift before ever dating the person and avoid the drama, but of course that's not always possible. My life experiences have made it easier for me to distance myself from people if a situations not working out, and it can make me seem cold, but I'm just wired to apply logic to emotional situations. Between going to college out-of-state and moving across the country on my own right, I've already had experience leaving friendships or relationships and not being too upset about it. It's not that I don't care, it's just that I know that if I do care I'll show it (by calling, visiting, etc.), and the other person will do the same. If we don't show it, it's because we don't care, and that's just life. (Harsh, right? :-P)

Obviously, not everyone's like me, and I imagine it can be really stressful for some people to choose between friends (especially people they've grown up with) and a relationship. If it appears the person won't be completely happy either way, I'd rather just cut my losses since I won't be happy either if I'm forced to interact with people I have significant issues with.

I hope it goes without saying that I'm talking about serious friction between you and someone's friends, not petty things (although "serious" and "petty" are relative). I've never hated a boyfriend's friends, but the difference in our attitudes and behaviors has led to problems in the relationship before. However, I don't think it was the friends in and of themselves--they just revealed to me characteristics my boyfriend had tried to downplay in front of me. (Not Z, of course. :-P)  

What do you think about being compatible with your partner's friends? Do our friends really reflect on us?